Clarifications

wait.. some clarifications to avoid misunderstanding..

- firstly, i dont considered the previous post as a personal problem to me.. my only personal problem, i will not disclosed no matter what.. some things are better left unsaid..

- secondly, i did not blame anyone or point any finger.. it just that the essential ingredients for the relationship isnt there.. communication, trust and faith.. none was there..

- thirdly, acting as a spiritual support doesnt means that i wont rule out her in the future.. maybe in the past, i was naive to think that she will be my future partner.. but now is the time to move on.. if she have found hers, i will gladly give my blessings to her.. who knows, maybe i find mine in poly (hahahahaha) or in the working world..

7 yrs is not a short time.. but i find it ironic that in the bible, God also say that a slave can only work for his master for 7 years before he is free.. or how about this, a debt is to be clear by the 7th yr or it will deem void?? haha, just joking.. dont link it, if not all relationship can only last for 7 yrs..

Letting go after 7 years

im writing this post with a heavy heart.. but the blow is not that hard as i have pondered about it for quite a long time..

i decided to let go a person whom i hold so dearly for 7 years.. if there is a reason to give, i cant find a reason.. but i find that for a relationship to grow, there should be give and take.. and it also take two hands to clap.. both are not present in this relationship.. firstly, i find myself giving all this while.. and secondly, i send 10 emails to her, none replied.. thirdly, she say she want to have fellowship, i tried to get her msn address to chat with her when she was in overseas, also no answer.. i did tried to call her, but trying to find a topic to talk was hopeless for me..

if people were reading this post that im foolish.. i have every reason to argue back.. firstly i only go in a relationship which is the first and the final.. what for go for so many? gain experience or going 'shopping'? secondly, financially stable.. if you go on a date, money for dinner, movie comes from your own pocket or parents' hard-earned money?

i have shared this with some of my friends.. when she is in overseas, she is another person.. but back in singapore, she will take me as a spiritual support.. if she have any chance to read upon my blog.. only words to say to her is, if im still regarded as your spiritual support.. i will gladly be one, that all.. nothing more nothing less.. i better make a stand or else i will be taken for a free ride.. yes, i do know that im not in a state to go into a relationship.. but i do not wish to wait in such a way the blow will be harder and a much bitter pill to swallow..

Trusting face

im feeling very amused right now.. do i really have a look of trusting face? or did my forehead got write, "trusting guy!!"??

haven even know my colleagues well enough, one of them tell me a secret.. she still add in this disclaimer, "dont worry, the others donno.. you are the first.." sure or not, i give her the benefit of doubt..

is like there are some details i didnt even think or want to ask, it will just fall onto my laps prefectly.. but there are some questions which i want the answers, till now still no answers.. how ironic..

First day of work

Tuesday was my first day of work.. understudy as i get to learn the ropes.. tired and muscle ache due to long holiday at home.. haha.. NS do nothing mah.. sit down stay with dog and sleep..

slowly i get the hang of the work through the last 2 days plus today.. my body also slowly adapting to the work load.. and also good thing was i get to know my colleagues fast and able to enjoy the working environment, if not i will be very lonely.. haha..

oh ya, by the way, before the first day of work, the person who interviewed me say i need to multi-task.. the words are good to hear.. but i was wrong.. i need to do 3 person's work and i only got paid for one person's work.. hai.. now i know why there are still so many people who are jobless..

New chapter of life

Today first day of work.. i take some emotional lugguage with me in the first step on the corporate world regarding about the previous post..

the punishment i received is double.. the pain is double.. and the time to erase the pain also double.. hai..

at least im better now.. the previous post, i was thinking of where is my happiness, my smile, my carefree mind, etc.. so you all could imagine how bad it was.. hai..

hopefully the new chapter of my life will able to let me lessen the emotional lugguage, ease the pain, and forget the past.. but the scar lingered.. =/

Randomness (46)

sigh.. yesterday night cannot sleep.. donno why.. every few hours wake up and eyes will stare blankly at the ceiling.. even today go for work also dont feel tired, but very restless..

the space around me seem closer and closer.. im grasping for fresh air around me.. but all i find is rope on my neck, people crowding around me expecting me something which i donno what is it..

last weekend went to church, i felt very at ease and very peaceful as if something heavy have lifted off my shoulders.. but after a few days, the peace is no longer there.. i feel so lost..

i wanted to shout to get some attention, but my mouth is gagged.. i need help, but it deserted me.. i want it my own way, but it goes the other way.. i want a listening ear, but advise and scoldings are upon me..

i did promised to myself that i wont ask anyone for help anymore if not, it will only sink me deeper into oblivion and also escaping the problem.. why i didnt saw the escape route earlier, im now on highway, on the route to death..

dont ask me what is it.. for my mouth will never speak out what i have done.. it will remain in my heart, my mind, and a lesson learnt till the day im gone..

no other people are involved in it.. is my full responsibility that i started it and i shall be the one to end it.. but i cant take it anymore.. im tired, i want a rest, but i cant..

only hope i have is, for the month of August to end..

alone in despair.......................................

sign off with a heavy sigh, with a troubled mind plus a reluctant heart..

Randomness (45)

eating snake at the moment, using my friend's office computer to blog..

wah.. i find this world very practical sia.. yesterday sent out 10 resumes.. and only 1 replied.. thurs interview.. hai.. have to wear formal liao.. have to bring relevant documents to secure the job even though the caller didnt specifically mentioned it..

even though im working part time at the moment, the income supplement is not enough.. $5 per hr.. and is only a few days per week.. that why i need to find a full time job.. i need to refresh my memories what i have learn in ite is fully forgotten in the 2 yrs of NS.. argh.. going to do some crash course in accounting..

IMF/World Bank in Singapore

woohoo.. im not involved in the world bank.. hahaha.. phew.. i have been dreading for the call for days.. kind of acted too fast in applying for it..

now i can concentrate of securing a full time job while working part time for my tuition teacher at the moment..

Missed Blacky

i miss blacky!! i dont think other dogs can replace him in my heart already..

i miss his whining..
i miss his salute upon command..
i miss his one kind of attitude when giving commands to him.. he will give a 'hack-care' attitude but will still do it.. haha..
i miss his car-sickness that he will vomit in the car everytime.. and im not complaining that i have to clean up the mess..
i miss his loyalty that he only listen to the handler's command and not other people..
i miss his way of greeting people.. stick out his arms to shake hand without fail..

when i first take him, only a few people know that this dog was first handled by Chee Kok Jin.. after passing out from the basic handling course, more and more people get to know him and love him until the dog trial.. after that, everyone all knows him.. i dont even mind he is taking all the credit.. he deserve it after all.. he is way too special.. he shouldnt have let us handle him in the first place.. only special people like Chee Kok Jin deserve to handle him.. i dont deserve to handle him.. i merely taking care of him all this while..