sigh.. yesterday night cannot sleep.. donno why.. every few hours wake up and eyes will stare blankly at the ceiling.. even today go for work also dont feel tired, but very restless..
the space around me seem closer and closer.. im grasping for fresh air around me.. but all i find is rope on my neck, people crowding around me expecting me something which i donno what is it..
last weekend went to church, i felt very at ease and very peaceful as if something heavy have lifted off my shoulders.. but after a few days, the peace is no longer there.. i feel so lost..
i wanted to shout to get some attention, but my mouth is gagged.. i need help, but it deserted me.. i want it my own way, but it goes the other way.. i want a listening ear, but advise and scoldings are upon me..
i did promised to myself that i wont ask anyone for help anymore if not, it will only sink me deeper into oblivion and also escaping the problem.. why i didnt saw the escape route earlier, im now on highway, on the route to death..
dont ask me what is it.. for my mouth will never speak out what i have done.. it will remain in my heart, my mind, and a lesson learnt till the day im gone..
no other people are involved in it.. is my full responsibility that i started it and i shall be the one to end it.. but i cant take it anymore.. im tired, i want a rest, but i cant..
only hope i have is, for the month of August to end..
alone in despair.......................................
sign off with a heavy sigh, with a troubled mind plus a reluctant heart..
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