Stigma

Problem solved. Burden off.

But this incident is going to change me forever. I dont think i will ever be the person whom you once knew.

I believe this stigma will follow me for the rest of my life.

Learnt alot of life lessons along the way.

Silver lining

"Like a complacent soldier who thinks that knows everything, went unprepared for war. Without combat gear or weapons for self-defence, he went to the country that he intend to invade, "i want to invade your country."

The above scenario is just like me at the moment. Fully unprepared, going in with confidence and with an arrogant swagger. And came back with bruised ego, physical and mental scars to bear.

Yet, God is not totally unforgiven or turned a blind eye towards me. These few weeks i have observed the following

• Time - To God, time is nothing to Him. He have waited 2000 years to send His Son down to die on the cross for us. I have fear for the worst whenever the deadline is coming, yet God unwillingly extend the time for me through indirect help.
  
• The least expected people that i will turn to help, contact me and ask me what happening. I didnt reveal what has happened, neither did i ask them for help. But still, i was touched and surprised by the gesture.
  

Guess God really have His own ways to help His people.

Confession

I believe no one knows about this. That i do have the intention to quit my studies last year. It has nothing to do with the education system.

But rather the thought of coming out to work full time to help, support, supplement and solve my family problems. With a full time working pay slip, to get a loan from bank doesnt sound as hard as from a full time student perspective.

Somehow, it has become a cycle that repeating itself. The only thing is a matter of time on how hard, how swift and how fast it will hit me the hardest.

I donno whether this ordeal will make me a stronger person, or a person who give a second look and hesitates about life. Sounds like a double-edged sword.

And to top all this, i will be cutting off contacts indefinitely to minimize misunderstanding. Just need a little understanding from you guys. My apologises ahead.

Prayer to God

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the salvation that you given to me 9 years ago. Thank you for the mercy, love and grace that you have given it to me, freely and in abundance. Thank you for watching over my family despite the problems that they face all these years. Thank you for watching over my grandma even though her memory is failing and the medication that she have to take for the rest of her life.

I bow down before you in the throne of Grace that i have sinned. I am currently a man of no faith as i relied on men for help, and not You. I have not been a good testimonial as a child of God. You given me trials and tribulations to make me grow spiritually, and have faith in You. Yet, i take the easy way out by avoiding them than to go through and learn from it. I dont deserve to be a child of God for the things that i have done. All i seek is Your forgiveness and that i repent and not to do it again. I know that this mistake that i done is too big and too much for me to handle and through this incident, it will keep in my memory for life.

Hopefully this incident will open my eyes and come back to You. I know that You are the only one that could deliver me out of this hole and able to sustain me throughout the whole ordeal. May i have the faith, the size of a mustard seed, in You that You able to help me.

Pray Lord that You will watch over me and my family. Pray Lord that i able to have the faith in You. Pray Lord that i able to come back to Your place for fellowship, sing praises and glorified Your name in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Will like to commit this prayer into Your hands, commit all these things onto You, Pray all these in Jesus' name.

Amen.

Lowest ebb of my life

im sad to declare that im now going through the darkest period of my life. the lowest ebb of my life right now.

this feeling is worse than having a girl's rejection. i have lost everything like freedom, my smile, my confidence and maybe my sanity. i have let everyone down, especially my family.

no mood for anything or everything such as study or attachment. these few days i either have no appetite or the food taste bland to me.

the help that i wanted so badly, did not materialise as it has been used to help my family. and i have to go through a route where only the brave dare to go.

for those who know the problem, pls keep it to yourself. i have no choice but to tell the truth to those people whom i can trust and able to help.

at the current moment, my hopes, dreams, ambitions are put on hold indefinitely.

this is my own doing. people have warned me before, yet i dont listen. and i have to go through the hard way now.

Clubbing experience

Yesterday was my maiden trip to MOS. In short, i wont say i dont like the place but is the music that is been played, not to my liking. Until now, i still cannot fathom how an area "Smoove" that is so small, squeezed until so many people? Is like taking a bus with trance music, and all the passengers squeezing together, dancing. Take this scenerio x 10 times.

One thing that i find it amusing was the main dance floor. Clubbers stand on a movable disc/plate that turns clockwise or anti-clockwise at a very slow speed.

And no, i didnt get to know any girls.

My very first experience in clubbing was way back in secondary school. Anyone still remembers Canto at Taka? That period of time is still belongs to ah-bengs and ah-lians. What got me interested was how clubbers shout with rhythm when the music stop. I think you can only see or hear this in Dragonfly. But i didnt go often as what you imagined as my interests at that time was computer games. =/

After that i stop clubbing due to NS. I wanted to but i cant due to the strict SOP from Police. That period of time, police raid in clubs were quite high as there were alot of cases of people taking Ecstasy. Shake head till there is no tomorrow.

It was only recently that i went back to clubbing after i got to know some barflies from Cowboybar. Gotham Penthouse, Zouk, St James.

Next week will be going to Dragonfly.

Preliminary?

Can any kind souls tell me what wrong with this picture?

An Expensive Breakfast

Just now met my friends for breakfast. An expensive and hilarious breakfast. And all thanks to my friend, i didnt get to eat anything.

We went to a nearby MacDonalds to have our breakfast. Right after we have finished ordering the food over the counter, one of my friend insisted on paying even though we know he is the most stingy guy.

Lo and behold, he take out a $1000 note and present it to the counter staff. When the counter staff saw it, her face went "WTF!!" Bwahahahaa, priceless expression. The most people will either fork out a $50 or $100 note, who will expect someone take out $1000 note and pay for breakfast.

Luckily, another friend of mine pay for the food, with a smaller denomination.

Because of this incident, i laughed until full already. And i make him treat me another round of breakfast, not MacDonalds the next time.

Evolution

As what Jaywalk have say, Internet is an evolution that now, just a type of one word can come out with so many results through Google, Yahoo! search engine.

And people who read other people's blog, dont expect just friends to see. There are also strangers, enemies and even tutors who will read your blog silently.

From a surprised "Huh!!" to "Oh ok." when tutors commented, "Hey, i read your blog."

Oh, forgotten to say this, "Welcome to my blog."

Forgive but never forget

It has come to a time where i can no longer hold grudges towards people who lie to me, who do things to end a friendship or a relationship.

To me, it has come to a time where i have to forgive people for what they have done. But i still cant forget the way they treat me as a friend.

In short, i can forgive but never forget.

But my stand remains: Stay at where it is. I cant foresee what other hurting methods these people can inflicted onto me if i let them back into my circle of friends.

Good or bad?

I dont know whether i should do it or not. Even if i did it, i dont know whether will it be good or bad for me.

This person, in particular, is not that bad as first thought. Is just that a series of incidents that she put herself in the front line and defend her friends were impressive. However, her way of expressing her own thoughts and comments can be misinterpreted and can make other people angry.

I have the rare experience of communicating to her through other form of medium which i wont disclose. The way she try to send her message across is not offensive but abit pushy. This is just a rough idea of what her personality is.

This post abit complicated as to her, im a stranger to her. Im a person whom she disliked the most. For me, what she have done to me, i have no hard feelings towards her. Currently i can only say this to her:

"You want people to accept you for who you are and what you are, you have to give some time for people to accept. It's not an overnight miracle. Maybe you have use the wrong words to express yourself and your friends. Sometimes, not all the time, you have to make yourself heard. Sometimes, silence is golden."

Oh well, i seriously dont know how it will goes. Im not expecting anything in return. I only hope that she able to know herself better and having a wider variety of words to express her thoughts or to send her message across.

Dreams - Plane crashed

Last night, i had a dream. I saw an aeroplane crashing infront of my house. The size of the plane was the biggest. Bigger than A380.

After i woke up, i still remembered the dream but didnt really bothered about it. But something tells me that there is an interpretation of the dream that i went online and check it.

True enough, what i dream has got to do with my ambitions and goals. Maybe i need to re-evaluate my goals setting, dreams and ambitions.

Taken from Dreammoods.com:

Airplane: To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise above to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness.

To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.

Break

I need a break. I have no idea when was the last time i went overseas.

The last 2 semester breaks i was working at Ministry of Transport (MOT). For the info, MOT is not under Land Transport Authority (LTA). LTA, CAAS and MPA (Maritime Port Authority) are under MOT. Is just that LTA have alot of projects, road development plans that are making the headlines. I do know some of the projects, but dont wish to remember.

And now, going to have 7 weeks of ITP at DP Information Network Pte Ltd.

Bah. 2 years of exerting the body.

I intend to go Australia next holidays. Anyone interested?

Life Advice (7): Trust

The last life advice.

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, 'Public Utilities Board.' There was silence. She repeated, 'PUB.' There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, 'Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my Husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is.'

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just 'hello' instead of 'PUB'

Life Advice (6): No pointing fingers

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, 'Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?'

The father-in-law answered in a smile, 'Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you.'

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

Life advice (5): Creating prefect relationships?

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested 'I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one.' The SDU officer said, 'Your requirements, please.' 'Oh, good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.' The officer listened carefully and replied, 'I understand you need television.'

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

Life Advice (4): No Overpowering

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another, or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that 'It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character.'

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

Mad about English!

Synopsis:
Since winning the bid to host the Olympics, China's citizens have been stricken with what they call 'ying wen re' - English fever! Beginning a passionate love affair with what was once the forbidden tongue of the 'decadent' West, "Mad About English!" follows the inspiring and heart-warming efforts of a city preparing to host the world by learning English. With half a million or more visitors expected during the games, the stakes are high for our endearing cast of characters for whom speaking English is now national service!

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Can i laugh at how the Chinese policeman using English in a creative way? Oh, and the usual word by word translation of the signboards, food menu and road sign.

No doubt that the efforts are there, but the expression of the foreigners in the movie is priceless!

Life advice (3): Be patient

BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery and saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, 'Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck.' Then he asked, 'but when are my fingers going to grow back?' The father went home and committed suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or you wish to take revenge. Think first before you lose your patience with someone you love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones and hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

Life Advice (2): Right Speech

Second life advice

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that 'A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation.' Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other, we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted, 'Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school.' On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, 'Luckily you married me. Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker.' She answered,'You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you.'

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.