Randomness (9)

over the last 2 days, i make a very serious thought that even when im working, i was not alert. i feel that this is not the right approach . i intend to give up, definitely. but all i need now is answers to all my burning questions. i dont want to ask her as she is busy with her life. i guess there might be only one answer to my current situation that is to give up. i donno about the future, perhaps there is no answer to the questions that i wanted to ask as it left "settled" for the time being. I prayed about this matter last night when i was working. And thanks God that He soften the blow for me. I definitely feel better towards the end but the misery is still there.

i really wish someone or whose wavelength is as the same as her to decipher what is she thinking when she say this to me:

-she say that she got split personality that no one will know what is she thinking. i mean who doesnt have split personality.

-she say that what i feel for her in liking me is wrong. i was like, "huh..i dont believe lor..pls lah..i got all the proofs and she indirectly telling me to give up on her.."
I still stand by what i have say to her, and even to the previous 3 targets. even if i been labelled as "oversensitive"

Since i already been stubborn..i will stubborn in even more to the stand that i have make. Till there is a satifactory answer, i will not let the matter rest.

Randomness (8)

hai..guess i shouldnt give up on her that easily yet.. and i fully deserved my punishment for all the actions that i done that in such a way i have make her angry and sad.. just wish to see her happy with whatever decisions that she had make and able to see her happy is what i hope to see right now.. now my mind has open up, i think that msg is irrevelant to me after all.. and have send her an sms.. hai..i wish to put an end to it and carry on with life.. wish her all the best now.. guess waiting for her is indeed a slow and torturing punishment for me..

Blog readers

hmm..think my current situation has created some publicity..haha.. erm..i donno why the people around me keep on asking me not to give up even though the history is against me.. i have been waiting for 3 girls before this and the average waiting time was 2 yrs.. that was why i got a phobia of waiting any longer. i know what i have done only extend the time. can you all pls tell me why this one is worth waiting for? doesnt seem to see people telling me that for the previous 3 girls.

i know who xuanie is..haha..eh..you got blog is it..then give me your add leh..haha.. anyway thanks for your advice..first time see people so long never contact, give me advice by tagging on the blog site..wahaha..still owe me something haven return hor.. how many years liao..if got interest, i donno how much liao..whahaha..

and also thanks to jimmy..hope your situation will improve too..i donno what to add on, but i know that we are in the same boat...

and also thanks to my buddies whom i will not name..without them i think they will not be able to help me to get what i want and didnt give up on me when i press the alarm unnecessary..perhaps im too desparate..sigh..

these few days, the dreams that i had is all about her, a very peaceful dream with her, and also didnt spotted these dreams in the other 3 girls as well..haha..so like to make comparsion.. is there an indication which i didnt notice earlier as in our friendship?

A Medium To Let Out

i feel that this is a good medium to let out..rather than people listening to you and in their minds, might be cursing you..and in a way you can speak out what you want without having fear of offending them..hehe.. as in changing their names to a fictional ones or some nicknames to go along..hahaha..and of course you will not get to hear all the bad stuff...

my moods can really change to the extreme from one moment to another.. but i have to thank my team for giving me a pat on the shoulder and carry on with life and the work that i have to face everyday.. Im currently working as a base guard in Police k-9 Dog unit..working 2 days off 2 days..and without my team support, i dont think i able to survive this far.. by blogging it out as well is also a good way to take it all out and feel refresh afterwards... at least much better..

im still waiting for the msg to send over despite her hectic schedule..hmm..i have to confess i forgotten what i have send to her and that why i ask her to send..till now still no msg...i dont mind the late reply..but pls send it back to me what i have send to you..even if i do get the reply, i donno what to do as well..donno what my next step will be..

i have been trying to take one step at a time but in vain..the steps in front are all invisible to me.. whether to let it all go or strengthen the friendship..but i find it hard to strengthen the friendship because of what i done in the past..sigh... and her timing is just too perfectly for me to wait here like a moron...if i let it all go, will it be gone forever? or will it come back? questions and more questions..hai..only that msg can answer all my questions..that msg is the key to unlock and able to know what my next path will be...

despite all these..i donno where our friendship stands now..from an acquiantance to giving advice as a friend to having feelings for her, my memory still lingers in my mind the moment i think of the past..but what i have done as a friend, to her, she could have never heed the advices that i gave her and ignore my efforts in doing it...well..i have been there done that before..and got used to it to such as an extent..im immune to it..

how i wish she could just send that msg to end my misery!!!

Love does not need a reason

Love does not need a reason, right? but somehow, i have to give a reason which i find it hard to give. Anyway, i feel that Jay Chou's An Jing is the song that my situation is currently facing. To be truly loved, you have to give it up and i intend to do that. Dont get me wrong, im not trying to get some sympathy, for goodness sake. Due to personal reasons, i will not reveal.

Currently listening mp3: An Jing (Jay Chou)

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Advantages of being single

hai, donno what to write..feel that the current problems have taken a toil on me as in mentally..never knew that matters of the heart could be so tiring than the problems that i faced in my squad or classmates in ITE..i think that been single is still the best option for me..more advantages than in a relationship..go out no need to inform..can go out alone or with friends and still have great fun.. im not saying that im going to stay single for the rest of my life..but as i say earlier, i will wait for the one to come, the one that God provides for me. As far as my religion is concerned, i will only heed that direction where God has say in the bible in terms of relationship.. but for friends, any religion is ok with me..hehe..

2 Corinthians 6:14 - Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always preseveres. Love never fails.

From these two verses, the proof is there and i no need to explain any further.

Maybe i should start everyday with a verse to remind myself that i facing a war on the spiritual side. Though im down, but im definitely not out without a fight. We are facing battles everyday, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, and the best of all, politics..

Shot in the foot

hai..new year got off with a bad start literally..i confess my feelings to her and well, good news is that she is asking me to wait for her..but somehow my actions got the better of me and shoot myself in the foot..just one week to destroy everything..hai..im so stupid, useless and crazy..hai.. now at this moment, i let the feelings died down before anything drastic happen again.. i dont think gals will like to see a guy acting so foolishly given when his feelings are taking over... sigh.. donno what to do next..either build what i have destroyed or go on with the next one...argh!!

Reflections for 2004

today is my off day so did some thinking to myself over the last yr and the coming new yr.. well last yr was kind of mixture of good and bad together but in the end, all well ends well in the new yr to come..

2004... the yr begins when im still in that ite with pathetic classmates..politics are always top of their agenda.. kind of hard to unite when old problems fail to resolve or some people just plain stubborn..refusing to accept apologises..come on, are you a 3 yr old kid? whatever, i just dont care about it..and went on as life goes.. anyway, was graduated in this 2 yrs of happines, sorrow, meeting new friends and ending another..and getting on to the new phrase of life...in NS!! i feel that is during the last term of my 2 yrs there is enjoyable..though i was outcast by my own classmates..i have meet new ones to be with me by my side all this long.. thank you guys and gals out there..

jul 27..enlistment to police!! train us to be full pledged policeman for 5 months..guess that i wasnt mentally prepared for God giving me these group of people..different in culture and lifestyle...same as my ite lifestyle..politics rules as well..wont be surprise if i enter in the working world after i ORD..and got this type of treatment..in this phrase of life was much harder to pass by as i was the only christian in the squad and really need someone to give me the joy to make the day abit colourful to me though it was black and white most of the time...passed the 5 months training and was posted to k-9 unit.. and i really have to thanks my bunk mates be with me..and having those endless fun in the bunk...what my squad mates given me in the end is well, toughen me up mentally that all..

dec 13...posted to k-9..where i wanted to be a dog handler..take a dog during work time to combat crime..but alas, it was not to be..have to do base guard for about 2 months before we can take a dog..and also have to wait till the other intake comes in... well..the yr ends on a high note as i been posted to where i want..and not facing my squadmates again...

new yr..begin with a quiet note..but i did the most unthinkable thing...that is to confess to her my feelings.. well..i leave a cliff hanger to let you think for yourself how the story unfolds...hehe.. i was expecting the same answer as she reject other people but somehow i got an unexpected answer...which is WAIT!!!

4 months of knowing her was, to me, a short time..but i knew her more than what i expected.. but somehow, i show her too much of care and concern as a friend and as a brother in christ that feelings take a turn.. i donno how she feel for me..hopefully as time reveal the path for me to walk in the future..i hope that path will able to meet her's as well...and also God to lead the way for me...

Happy New Year 2005

Happy New Yr!! sorry for the late blog as i was sick..

is been two weeks since i blog..wow..but these two weeks been rather quiet..not much of gossips or news to say.. been doing guard duty (work 2 days off 2 days)..hope that after 2 months..able to get a dog to train and to be a dog handler..

hai..donno what to say leh..last time so much..now so little..abit weird leh..how ah..anyone can help me think..haha..