Timeline

Geez, for a moment, i dont know how to begin this post.

Before this "incident-that-changed-my-life" happened, i do have some goals which i intend to fulfill before i graduate from poly. And people are able to roughly gauge how long i have been aiming at these goals to fulfill.

Now the dust have settled, mind more clear and focus, i re-evaluate the goals to see whether i should make it a more affordable and realistic method to fulfill.

But to my horror, surprise, amazement and even to the extent where my jaws are drop, when i see the end results, i still can fulfill it right after i finish poly.

This could mean one thing, either the incident is a major blip that distract me or to prove people wrong. Whichever way you look at it, im not bothered. My only concern right now, is to fulfill these goals. Also in a way, the values that taught to me long ago, makes it all the more easier.

Heavy Heart

Im writing this post with a heavy heart.

The incident had been over a week, but it doesnt escape my notice for the damages been done. People have been telling me to prove them wrong. But to what extent do i have to prove them wrong?

Quit studies? Come out and work full time? Delete every contact and remain contactless for a period of time? Go for plastic surgery, change name, change everything and live a new life? or better still, die could be the best solution. If there is a better suggestion, pls tell me.

I do prove people wrong in the past because im not that kind of person that they have mentioned. But this time round, to prove people wrong is going to be the hardest. Im not going to put a timeline because of people's impressions. It not going to be an overnight changes. I know that i dont deserve a second chance for it but then again, every man for himself.

Ultimately, life still have to go on. For me, life has never been easy ever since a long time ago (again a long story, only people who know, i can count with one hand)

Im not that naive anymore, in a way, this incident have taught me and open my eyes. Good friends forever? Best buddies? Let me know if you still could find one during bad times.

Where in the world is World Bank??

Before the airing of this week Channel 8 "In Focus" where the topic is currently on US economy, i just couldnt help it but have a very bad feeling about a certain organization didnt help out or lend a hand.

Let me see if i miss out anything in the chain of events starting from Sunday.

- Lehman Brothers' file for bankruptcy protection.
- Merrill Lynch sold to Bank of America
- Federal Reserves pump in money to AIG
- Central banks around the world unite together to fight credit crisis
- Morgan Stanley is up for sale (latest update as of now)

Yet, there was no mention of World Bank since Sunday. Not a single word or sentence from Internet website, newspaper or any reports about World Bank.

Hmm...

Update: This is what i heard from my tutor that World Bank's objective is to help a country to develop and not to help individual banks who were reckless in their operations.

Stigma

Problem solved. Burden off.

But this incident is going to change me forever. I dont think i will ever be the person whom you once knew.

I believe this stigma will follow me for the rest of my life.

Learnt alot of life lessons along the way.

Silver lining

"Like a complacent soldier who thinks that knows everything, went unprepared for war. Without combat gear or weapons for self-defence, he went to the country that he intend to invade, "i want to invade your country."

The above scenario is just like me at the moment. Fully unprepared, going in with confidence and with an arrogant swagger. And came back with bruised ego, physical and mental scars to bear.

Yet, God is not totally unforgiven or turned a blind eye towards me. These few weeks i have observed the following

• Time - To God, time is nothing to Him. He have waited 2000 years to send His Son down to die on the cross for us. I have fear for the worst whenever the deadline is coming, yet God unwillingly extend the time for me through indirect help.
  
• The least expected people that i will turn to help, contact me and ask me what happening. I didnt reveal what has happened, neither did i ask them for help. But still, i was touched and surprised by the gesture.
  

Guess God really have His own ways to help His people.

Confession

I believe no one knows about this. That i do have the intention to quit my studies last year. It has nothing to do with the education system.

But rather the thought of coming out to work full time to help, support, supplement and solve my family problems. With a full time working pay slip, to get a loan from bank doesnt sound as hard as from a full time student perspective.

Somehow, it has become a cycle that repeating itself. The only thing is a matter of time on how hard, how swift and how fast it will hit me the hardest.

I donno whether this ordeal will make me a stronger person, or a person who give a second look and hesitates about life. Sounds like a double-edged sword.

And to top all this, i will be cutting off contacts indefinitely to minimize misunderstanding. Just need a little understanding from you guys. My apologises ahead.

Prayer to God

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the salvation that you given to me 9 years ago. Thank you for the mercy, love and grace that you have given it to me, freely and in abundance. Thank you for watching over my family despite the problems that they face all these years. Thank you for watching over my grandma even though her memory is failing and the medication that she have to take for the rest of her life.

I bow down before you in the throne of Grace that i have sinned. I am currently a man of no faith as i relied on men for help, and not You. I have not been a good testimonial as a child of God. You given me trials and tribulations to make me grow spiritually, and have faith in You. Yet, i take the easy way out by avoiding them than to go through and learn from it. I dont deserve to be a child of God for the things that i have done. All i seek is Your forgiveness and that i repent and not to do it again. I know that this mistake that i done is too big and too much for me to handle and through this incident, it will keep in my memory for life.

Hopefully this incident will open my eyes and come back to You. I know that You are the only one that could deliver me out of this hole and able to sustain me throughout the whole ordeal. May i have the faith, the size of a mustard seed, in You that You able to help me.

Pray Lord that You will watch over me and my family. Pray Lord that i able to have the faith in You. Pray Lord that i able to come back to Your place for fellowship, sing praises and glorified Your name in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Will like to commit this prayer into Your hands, commit all these things onto You, Pray all these in Jesus' name.

Amen.

Lowest ebb of my life

im sad to declare that im now going through the darkest period of my life. the lowest ebb of my life right now.

this feeling is worse than having a girl's rejection. i have lost everything like freedom, my smile, my confidence and maybe my sanity. i have let everyone down, especially my family.

no mood for anything or everything such as study or attachment. these few days i either have no appetite or the food taste bland to me.

the help that i wanted so badly, did not materialise as it has been used to help my family. and i have to go through a route where only the brave dare to go.

for those who know the problem, pls keep it to yourself. i have no choice but to tell the truth to those people whom i can trust and able to help.

at the current moment, my hopes, dreams, ambitions are put on hold indefinitely.

this is my own doing. people have warned me before, yet i dont listen. and i have to go through the hard way now.