My future

In 3 months time, i will be done with studies for the time being. I donno whether i did take the right route in education where i should be working full time and study part time rather than my current situation where studies take up majority of your time.

When i served finish my National Service 4 years back and a place reserved for my education in polytechnic, i was initially very hesitant to continue my studies. Because i know that the gap between ITE and polytechnic is still very big. One concentrated on technical aspects such as calculations and IT-related skills like Excel and Powerpoint, another focus on the theory aspects such as research and analysis to prove your point, regardless of whether is right or wrong.

I also know that my motivation for studies have dropped to such a level that i did intend to sign on for police as a career to support myself independently rather than rely on my parents.

I still have 9 months to ponder what is my career before i formally graduates.

I would take it as a long-suffering trial rather than short-term gains for studies. I am also thinking whether is this one of the turning points in my life. Currently i have 2. One is when i accepted Christ, another one will be the incidents that happened 6 weeks ago.

This is me

I dont think anyone in poly really know me well to a personal level where both parties are comfortable with each other.

I maybe quiet on the first impression, but if you know me well, trust me, i can be very chatty and playful. In a way, i have tried to improve myself over the years to open up myself more whenever there is orientation or any first-time meet up. Seriously, my friends have seen the big difference.

To some, im may still be an introvert to them. To some, im outgoing and even outspoken.

Frankly speaking, im not a person who is afraid of criticisms, or get scolded by people. In fact, i appreciated more if anyone have told me directly where i have done wrong, rather than passing the message through a third party. Yet, some people still cant accept the way i am. I wont blame them since there are hell lots more of people whom they can accept. There also people whom i cant accept as well initially, but over time, we accept each other strength and weaknesses.

I have finally understood what is the meaning of "it takes 2 hands to clap."

Leadership

Few days back, i tried out this Facebook quiz "Discover your name number" and i got 1 which stands for Leader. I know that leaders have natural abilities and talents to lead and influence people. But do i really have this natural ability or talent? Im not doubting myself, but i find that my way of handling things have been come to questions lately with those incidents. People sure say, "This guy be a leader, sure die one."

Back in secondary school or in ITE, i have kana alot. Be it in my CCA (NPCC) or been a monitor for 4 years in a row, i have also attend alot of leadership camps. Even my personality test also mentioned that im a leader, but a technical leader that is good in hands on. Anyone heard of the D.I.S.C test? The results came back and im a high D personality. It's stand for Dominance and high dominance people are very active in dealing with problems and challenges. Some of the characteristics of Dominance people are demanding, forceful, egocentric, strong willed, driving, determined, ambitious, aggressive, and pioneering.

Prehaps someone wiser to explain how to channel my energy for more useful purposes.

Fast walker

A few weeks back, one of my friend commented that i walk very fast. I walk very fast not because i wanted to, but is due to my NS stint that my walking speed a tad too fast to catch up.

During my NS, i was attached to prison where we have to do prowling along the prison perimeters. You all could imagine how big a prison is, and to walk round the perimeter requires at least 1 hour to walk finish.

There will be a prison officer to accompany me and my dog during the prowling. There are 2 timings to the prowling. One is in the evening when there is a change in personnel. The other one is at night which i have to do 2 times which is around in the middle of the night and before the change of personnel again.

Most of us dread the timing of the prowling whenever there is a change of personnel because the prison officers are going home on the dot. Even my dog pants heavily when we finish the prowling.

So if i walk quite fast, you all could ask me to slow down one, just that im used to it already.

Saved by God

Since the matter have been settled last week, it's time to bring it to a close.

I know that what i have posted might have and could have caused a change in impression in me. But i also realised that whatever i did, i have to account for my own actions and my own conscience. Not to humans, but to God. Some people question why i blog about it to open the cans of worms. It just something that i cant make myself to forget as the lessons in these incidents are really too priceless to ignore.

I may not be a good Christian or have been a good testimonial as children of God, but at least i know, God didnt forsake me.

This chapter of life is indeed the darkest moment for me. Hope this incident will bring me closer to God.

Puzzled

All these years, i have never give any trouble to anyone. Not to my friends, not to my church friends, not even to the barflies. Till this incident.

But there is something i still cannot understand until now despite my problem is been cleared once and for all.

The person that helped me, i have the contact in my phone for like 5-6 years, yet i never take the effort to contact. For both incidents, i look for other people like my friend to get me out of the shithole. I thought i was out of the shithole till he also got an emergency to attend and need the funds back. I browsed my phone book for donno how many times yet i still can overlook the contact. Mind you, for both incidents, i actually overlook it. I never blame my friend for helping out, just that i was expecting someone who is more financially stronger to help.

I will never forget how desperate and at my wits end at that time with time approaching fast to the deadline. I only know that i keep browsing and browsing for the help that i wanted. From A to Z, Z to A. The last hour was really the last throw of the dice till something tells me, "Look very carefully.."

"I have already exhausted all contacts and i have to look through again, what a joke!" That was what my mind was telling me. So i just obey and slowly browse till i saw the name. It was like a rock been lifted up beneath me. For once, i never have such peace or relief for 3 weeks.

But i also know that i have lost more from what i have done.

Dead in the water

To juggle studies, personal problem and matters of the heart for 3 weeks is not an easy fest. Not a single complain was heard from me. Since i have settled my personal problem, now i shall settle the matters of the heart.

As far as this matter is concerned, it is dead in the water. Im not an emotional person to begin with as i find that feelings were not in a developed stage. There were alot of miscommunication and assumptions that leads to the break down of friendship.

There were a couple of comments that i did not say or mentioned, or in a way directed at her. I was also in the wrong for assuming her that she read my blog.

Anyway, i cant be bothered anymore or who is reading my blog. As far as my blog is concerned, i wont change address just for the sake of it.

Pastdoings

In the past, i was wilful and ignorant till a time that i truly got a wake up call.

It was an experience that i wouldnt want to go through it again. It was really a "once bitten twice shy" incident. That time, i approached people for help and luckily my friend help me out. The length of time from the first incident to the current incident does not do any justice in a way because people preceived that i was back to my old ways.

They just rejected my request straight away without asking what have happened. I was also fully aware of the consequences and did not deny any responsibilities that i have done. I admit that it was my biggest mistake to ask people whom i dont really know to a personal level, to get a loan.

That's all i have to say.

On my own

This problem, i only told to certain people. To prevent any bad news, rumors or people talking behind my back, i decided to come out and confess the truth.

A few months back, one of my friend help me to settle a debt. This debt was originally intended to return when my 6 months attachment start. However, 3 weeks ago, he face an emergency and need the funds back.

For 3 weeks, i ask for help. But the help just refused to come. If you think that my studies is not affected, think again. I told everyone that it will be the last and final help as far as this matter is concerned. I even told them that this debt will be return when my attachment start in 3 months time. I only need a grace period of 3 months.

All the advice given to me for that duration of time is very helpful. But it does not help me in any sense, given that i am still a full-time student. Family are unable to help as they have a failed business several years ago. Banks and school arent going to help much either as there are lots of red tape to clear.

I know that for the last 3 weeks, i have pissed off alot of people due to my desperation shown in my smses. For that, i could only say sorry.

Anyway, the help did arrived in the nick of time. This final help was a big jump and i was definitely appreciated of it. As far as i know, i will be on my own starting from today.

Study Table

Finally got my ass up and clean up my study desk. The last clean up was 4 years ago, during my ITE education. During the last 2 years in poly, i was using another makeshift table for my tutorials and projects discussion. It was so uncomfortable sitting in an awkward position that i have to really clean up the desk. Ya lah, im very lazy for the last 2 years.



This is the "after cleaning up" picture. I didnt take the "before cleaning up" picture because it is in a much worse state.

Clarification

Great, just great. Damages has been done but nevertheless, im going to clarify everything in this post.

I did not tell anyone or everyone about this matter. Prior to it, i only tell 1 person, and that person was someone close to her.

Whoever is trying to distort the facts or to create misunderstanding, pls dont let me catch the person.

Not myself

For the last 2 weeks, i was not in my usual self, even my friends have noticed that. I was not avoiding anyone, for the record.

Just that something have happen and didnt expect the cycle to come back so fast as expected.

Anyway, just found out something that someone doesnt want me to know. Look like i have the answers to it already. No point forcing something that is not yours. No point creating fate that is still not there. Guess is a matter of time that even been friends would also be very difficult.