Indifference treatment

ever since we have clear the air over the misunderstanding, you been providing me info through friendster.. if you are cold and dont care about me, you wont have send that "things aint the same anymore" but i still feel that warmth you have send to me..

you dont want to pick up my call, is fine with me..you dont want to reply to my msg, is fine with me too.. you dont want to chat with me online..is fine with me either.. you want to be good to me and bad to me the next.. i have no complains about your so-called "split personality"

every opportunity that you throw at me whether good or bad, i will grab it with my both hands..

Prankster

wahahahahah..i couldnt stop laughing..oh, pls.. im really rolling on the floor laughing the way someone actually did this... i donno.. someone have created a friendster saying that he is the bf of her.. his name.. the date he join friendster - feb 2005.. and his profile was everything about her.. i feel it has been very poorly done..

only friend he have was her.. his profile was all about her.. put on 4 pics..1 cat cartoon, 1 pic about her, 1 movie poster, and 1 male in suit drawing..

yup, i know that he is great in drawing.. but why dont show his face? you want someone as a casanova to be your bf.. the way the profile is done seem to indicated who did it.. you posted what you want in the bulletin board and now you apply it in this manner..

if i posted the link to it, i guess it will definitely brighten up the days for us.. im not going to think anything to it nor did you create any doubts in me neither did i feel jealous about it...

hai.. want me to stay off track? you only make it more worse to yourself.. if there is any changes to it as according to my blog.. i can definitely say for sure that you are reading my blog.. i guess next will be the testimonial..yah??

*Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off*

Waiting for the day

no matter how you going to write the msg in it, i know that you are still willing to give me a chance.. what i want is to be more than friends to you.. i want to be your bf.. but i donno how long you are taking this 'vacation'.. i will still wait for you.. i wish to hear from you that the words coming out of your mouth is a positive answer.. i really will like to experience the love with you.. you didnt reject me as far as i know from that confession.. im not afraid for what is going to happen in the relationship...but im afraid that you wont give me the chance that i long for..

i donno when this day will come.. but i know that the chance is still there..

hope you are better now.. rest well and may the Lord strengthen you that you able to face the challenges ahead..

Doubts answered

all in all..i have solve every doubt that you have present for me.. i shall reveal all to you here..

1) right from the start of our friendship, you already know that i will go for you and you are just waiting for me to confess to you.. but i didnt think of that in the first place as i sincerely want to know you better.. no wonder the first phone call was trying to tell me all about your past relationships..

2) in the first friendster msg, you mislead me that my feeling for you liking me was wrong.. now you mislead me once again in the last 2 msg where i cant see what you see as we wear different shades of glass.. you knew all along that somehow i will get to see your picture.. i already knew something was going wrong when i view your friendster profile status from "just married" to "in a relationship"...but i just keep quiet.. and again you sms me about trying to clarify with me about the 1st friendster msg when you were at his mom's birthday party.. again i keep quiet.. i try not to interfere your relationship wherever means i can.. but somehow i got it in your way and lead to the misunderstanding..

3) even in this misunderstanding, you know that it was not a misunderstanding at all..i was right and was able to see what you have see.. though i might be slow in catching what you trying to say, i still try to understand what you trying to say from those 2 msgs.. no doubt tat every point in your msg have a meaning to it.. i believe i got all your points in those 2 msgs..

4) i donno how long you have been reading my blog because i know that i did post the website add in my msn nick.. i know that you have read it all, no doubt about that.. what i have written in the past is how i feel at the point i was blogging.. no hard feelings for that..

5) whether is this a test for me, i donno.. but i believe that you can see that im not a jealous person, nor forcing people, neither did i ever feel insecure about you..asking you where you are all this kind of questions..

6) the latest 2 testimonials that your friend and your cousin have given you and in return you also give them back what you think of them in the testimonials..i believe these 4 testimonials are for me to know.. your friend's birthday was the same month as me except that i was older than him by 3 days...

my mind maybe slow.. as i hate to put on my rusty thinking cap..but i still take the effort to read the msgs again and again to know what you trying to say.. and you use friendster as a medium to reach out to me as an attack zone.. while i use my blog to counter back..no wonder i feel so suspicious that what i had blogged, someone will just throw a lifeline to me..and i didnt know it was you till i have to find out on my own.. nice plan and challenges you have given me.. no doubt you still have this element of surprise.. i dont think you will say me 'oversensitive' again.. as long as you give me the time to prove, i will give you the answer that you want.. but as for now, i will not disturb you for the time being.. i will still wait for you.. i still owe you 2 meals for what you have done for me and what i have caused you.. i will wait for you when you are strong enough to face the challenges again.. i love you princess..

Expected moves

i expected it anyway.. no matter how cold are you, i was not stun at all.. neither am i disappointed that you are not surprised..

8 months is not a long time nor a short time either.. and you go through 3 relationship..guess you are feeling tired from all the problems, and the solutions that you have come up with to solve it.. i dont mind if you already intend to take a rest from it.. i will still wait for you..

i will still be there for you no matter if you dont wish to tell me anything.. if this is your decision, i wont disturb you..

no matter how you going to change to make me lose heart, is very hard now.. i already accept you for who you are and what you are..i look into the heart and realised that you have a heart of inner beauty where no one appreciated..

to me, the past is a memory to me.. the future is the one that im looking forward to..whatever i wrote my blog in the past, im not holding it but treat it as sand in the wind..

i dont believe that your feelings for me will fade away that fast.. you are still holding on the hope when i say, "i give up" given that i dont wish to be influence in your relationship.. i have put in effort to know you, given though i was labelled as "over-sensitive".. i dont mind that despite you saying to me so many times.. you vent your anger at me, i didnt even raise my voice nor use capital letters in the msg to prove my point across.. yet, i offer myself as a venting machine to you..

certain times, you just want it your own way.. whenever you have negative feelings in it.. this is one unique character i dont see it in others.. you are just so special to me that i have high regards to it..no words can explain that kind of feeling..only through action you and i have show it to one another.. i know right from the start, you already show care and concern to me.. even in that misunderstanding that we had..

i know you are heart broken now.. you just want to be alone.. you just want it in your way.. but i know that you didnt meant what you say.. i believe i understand you more than anyone else..

in my eyes, you will forever a princess to me.. i love you.. i will still wait for you.. wait till you are strong enough to face the challenges in life again.. take a rest my princess..

Unlikely scenerios

suddenly im facing with the unlikeiest scenerio where her current relationship will break up and without knowing the reason..now dont get me wrong at this moment..i facing 2 possible solutions to it where she only have the answers to it..

1) IF, yeah, a very big if, the relationship fails because of me, i wont give her the chance.. because i believe that in the end, all will suffer..i rather distance myself away from it.. hope she will see this picture...i dont want to be selfish..i can only help her along the way but not in this kind of manner where she is willing to give me a chance in it..i dont wish to give her stress either..i can only give her moral support in other things..but definitely not in this..

2) if the relationship fails because of other reason, the chances are there for all to see.. i just want to know her better than anyone else..so that in a way, im able to prepare myself for it..

both situations, you all able to see how much i like her despite difference in reason.. to me, she will always be a princess to me..treasure her..be there with her whenever she have a problem.. i willing to be a punching bag to her..willing to offer my shoulders for her to cry on..i just want her to be happy everytime..

at this moment, i donno whether she is still having this relationship..if it is, i wont do anything.. so long she is happy and able to solve the problems together as a couple, i will also be happy for her..

Taking one step at a time

wahaha.. my blog has become a site to extract information about me.. im fine with that.. as long as the freedom to write what i want and no one bother.. i will give my 2 cents worth..hehe

"as far as your relationship is still going on, stay committed. cherish the person beside you. to me, as long as you are happy with who you have, what you are, i wont hesitate to offer my blessings to you. so long as you are happy with what you have, i dont mind giving up once and for all just to see the happiness and the smile on your face. there is no way i will feel heart broken, or jealous about it. i just want you to be happy." you know who you are..

though im stubborn, i dont mind letting go as long as the other party is happy. i'm definitely still content where im standing now..i know my position now much more clearer..learn to let go when it isnt yours.. be more open-minded.. im not fickle minded..

true to my feelings, i knew it that someone indeed is reading my blog..now all the attacks have been stop.. concidence? nah..i know that you want me to know more about you..but this is not the way when you are still in a relationship..i rather have a clean and fair fight to it..but i guess i have lost the fight to it..

my stand right now is : Single, available, free.. giving up is more easily to let go when you see the other person happy..

i donno about the future..i taking one step at a time right now.. only time will know what lies ahead..

Perfect timing

hmm..timing is so perfect sia.. ever since i stop contacting her without getting to know her better..but the info just continue to come in through friendster bulletiin board and her testimonial..her latest 2 testimonials also give me some info about what type of person is she..

i've a very sneaky feeling that someone has been reading my blog in relation to the problem..especially my fear that she will break off the friendship and the very next day, the fears were unfounded.

timing is just too prefect to see anything wrong right now.. all the puzzles seem to fall into the right places at the right time.. i have no doubts but to have some suspicion about it.. i will rather distance myself from her current relationship and assess the situation myself rather than trying to break the 2 of them up..hai..the way she do things only make me wonder, will all of us suffer if she let go one and go for another? or should i really give up and give them my blessings in order that i will not be labelled at a third party or worse still, relationship breaker..hahaha..

hai..at this moment, i couldn't do anything..but to act as a spectator watching from the stands.. if the relationship fail because of me, i wont accept nor give her the chance.. i cannot be selfish.. as far as this thing is concern, i will not do anything..

Best of both worlds

hah...she has initiate the attacks once again..through friendster bulletin board..but i dont like the way what she is doing now.. she is getting the best of both worlds through me and her current bf.. hai..donno lah..if she thinks that way is the safe way..i got nothing to say..

Opinions

oh.. there is one more girl in the list that think that she likes me.. that 3 now..lol..hai..i was not expecting this kind of answer..since that the case, i also cant change the fact either.. =/

Cant be bothered

right from the start ever since i confess to her, i was right all along the way. i knew that she like me but why she want to say otherwise? since that is the way, why she still wants to go into a relationship with that guy? hmm..hai..donno lah..dont want to waste my brain cells.. my brain cells now all very tired to think because of all the problems i have faced recently..

i've been leading by a person who likes to beat around the bush..hai..esp the last two msgs...so hard to decipher..wah lao..i already know that she also cares for me..that why i tell her i want to give up in order not to be influenced by her current relationship..i been repeating this to her so many times yet she doesnt want to accept it..sigh..so stubborn.. her 2 msgs also reveal alot of answers to me..hehe.. but i not going to msg her or do anything now.. i want to take a break!!!

those 2 msgs will be kept for reference..hehe.. at least i know how to handle this type of girl.. i been there done that before.. when all the problems come at the same time, how you face it tells it all..

i dont want to know what is her next move..i dont care anymore..she wants to initiate the moves..i let her..i very tired and sian already...

Low profile

Since now has all been settled, all in order or whatsoever, i been very tired since the ordeal..mentally and physically..

i wont do anything now..not even going to sms her, msn her or whatever..i wont give up but i want to take a break from all these nonsense..

Risky move

wahahaha..my fear is once again unfounded..did a very risky move in friendster..because she deleted me in her friendster list..and i try to add her again..which she didnt do anything to it for the last 4-5 days.. if she reject, that means she stumble me again..if she accept, that means all is forgiven..

but in the end she accept back..phew..

trust me, the game is now on...want me to wait, i wait now..

In a fix

im very tired of all the thinking and all the things..sigh..i really need a break from it..im mentally and physically tired.. guess i really have to confess to everyone who been following this.. i really dont have the heart to give up on her..i find it too hard to give up without a fight.. i just dont want in a way been influenced in the relationship, that why i tell her that i give up..i always hope that she is happy everyday with her new found love. i think i can see that she is indeed happy with her bf.

hai..but i screwed up everything ever since i confess to her.. i guess i really dont have the chance..i really donno..only she and God knows my chances. i have say sorry to her for what i have done, i msg her that i wanted to treat her to a meal for all the hurt, anguish and anger that i inflicted on her..but she haven replied.. i donno..i fearing for the worst that she is indeed intend to break the friendship..

1) take one step at a time?
2) wait?
3) give up?
4) all the above?

argh..im really going crazy and feel really sick about the way things turn out to be..somebody, pls help me!!!

Twist to an ending

hmm..there seem to be a twist in the ending..haha..in the first place is just an misunderstanding..then later she replied back to the msgs where i find it too harsh, too unfair and cant find any justice why she wants to break the friendship. Firstly, this is the first misunderstanding that we had, and before this, our friendship was good to say the least. we didnt quarrel to such an extent that our friendship was in doubt. i know that i was very stubborn in saying sorry to her, that why she was angry to me.

i know that she doesnt really meant what she say in the msg..and i already apologise to her...through this misunderstanding, i only get to know her better.. is just that we dont have the opportunity to get to know each other better, it wont happen in the first place. i know that she had vent her anger on me, but i still keep my cool..i didnt leave her in the lurch when we got this misunderstanding.. at this moment, i only treating her as a friend and as a sister in christ..nothing more..nothing less..

i offered to treat her to a meal as a result of this misunderstanding and also in a way inflicted hurt, anguish and anger in her. until now, she haven msg..but i take her silence as an agreement then..hehe..donno lah..wait for her reply lor..or else another misunderstanding again..

i find this is the only way to really keep your cool even when problems come all at the same time..no matter how angry you are, you cannot solve the solution just by thinking all for yourself and also have to consider the feelings to the other party.. i definitely learn alot of lesson..even if she got any problems and want to vent on me, i really dont mind at all, just to make her feel better.. i just making my position as a brother in christ clearer to her..i guess you people out there might be thinking about my limits..but as long as God is in control, there is no limit in me as long as i help my sister in christ to solve the problem in a more appropriate way.

Saviour in the Lord

oops..sorry..forgot to add something..from the first problem where i feel that she has feelings for me was wrong.. and as time goes on, i find that the msg is irrelevant..because this is what i did to her after confessing to her..and though i feel disheartened that i cant get her, i pray about it..and after praying, my feelings are more positive..right from the start, God had asked me to give up although i cant see the picture..now that i can see the picture, i feel so shocked to find out what He has install for me.. what a wonderful saviour i have!!!

God will always reserved the best for His children..this is one thing i will not forget..

Letting go

i want to say thank you God that i didnt regret the decision to give up on this girl. the way i know her has too many weakness of her..im not been judgemental..but that is what she told me..sigh..chio but character not good..and ask me not to go for her..yet i still fall in to it..the feelings for her is not that strong..more of like puppy love..hehe..the affliction is not there that all...if any one want to know her, dont ask me how she is..go and find out yourself..

this is what i find in her: a backslided christian.. run away from problem by breaking friendship..what she did only stumbled me in spiritual sense..the way she send the msg make me realise something..but i dont want to say..venting her anger at me and breaking up of friendship in the msg only make me compromise what i have done in the end..that is to apologise to her..damn it, i find it so hard to say in the first place and now what she did only make me relent and do it. small misunderstanding and escalate it to a big problem by the msgs in friendster by her... hai.. dont tell me anything.. i dont wish to know..she doesnt not deserve my care and concern as a friend or as a brother in christ anymore..i wash my hands off her..

this chapter has finally close, im getting on with life..im free now..hehe.. free from all the problems, free from everything that all..yesterday was indeed a good day to sleep with ease ever since i blog regarding about this incident..

thank you to all my friends that have know my situation..dont worry im fine now..thank you for your care and concern..i very appreciated it..hehe..

i will continue my search for the one that God has reserved for me.. this is indeed a bright side of life that i have seen.. dont be disheartened that you are single or cant find a gf or whatever the reason..just enjoy what you are now..once you are in a relationship, the responsibility and the burden is all there for you to see. once you lost your freedom, there wont be time for you to appreciate anymore. cherish what you have right now..hehe..

Letting out

sigh..cant sleep sia..hehe..hope that through writing out what i feel, i can feel much better and can sleep at ease..i dont want to think about it anymore. what she wants to do next has none of my concern anymore. i dont want to care anymore. i want to wash my hands off her.

through this incident, i feel that she is forcing me to change to her liking, that is what i read from her msgs that she send to me. i hate people who do that to me. only half of the contents are relevant. others are not related to the incident or irrelevant to it. the hurting truth is that she wants to break up the friendship with me, which she already did, but i find that this is not the way to solve the problem. yup, she is angry about it, but she is using that feeling to solve the problem. i dont do that when i face any problems..though at times i might be angry with it, i will always compose myself to solve the problem.

what i have done is apologise to her and have done my part as a brother in christ to her..i know that during the incident, i did not fulfill the position that is required from me. i fail. She have changed, but i accept it.

Humans are imprefect. Neither do I. I dont like to have any miscommunication or misunderstanding with my friends or close ones. If everyone is the same, will we have miscommunication or misunderstanding in the first place. "different in principles..." this is what she told me..and i will remember this...she is expecting too much of me..i been sticking to the problem and solutions all along but she seem to divert my attention on other topics such as my friendster profile.. Friendster is just a computer program that enable us to find our long lost friends, new friends, relatives, siblings and even schools that we attended.. what i write has nothing to do with it in the real life.. and what i have written is only a shallow part of me. has that got to do with the problem?

i know that every problems that i face is unique of its own. no matter how we going to face it, is different all the time. that why i always make sure that whatever problems that i have went through, i wont let history repeat again or let the problem comes again.

yup, i indeed let it all out..and i feel much better now..hehe..now can go and sleep with ease liao..good night everyone..sweet dreams..

Randomness (11)

hmm..she vent her anger on me..sigh..been reading through over and over again all the msgs that i have send and the msgs that she reply..the way her msgs is very hard to decipher..and i need 2-3 days before i could find out what she really meant...first time i read, i got questions keep on popping out of my mind..second time i read it, i have to go and think..sigh..why cant just say directly to the point..yet have to beat around the bush?

the way i see the argument, it pretty small..but we blow it out of proportion..last time we used to msg so freely but now there is a restriction..i know that misunderstandings and miscommunication are part and parcel in friendship..but we never quarrel that often in a way our friendship is in jeopardy..hai..still waiting for her to cool down..

Wrong frequency

What the hell is wrong with her?? argh..it seem that i cant get my point across to her.. i've given up but she seen to think that i still like her and still pursuring her..she msg back and thinking that i still like her..wah kao..

i dont want to say anymore..i dont want to do anything.. i just have to go on life with doubts lingering in my mind.. i dont want to probe the matter further to hurt the friendship to say the least and to hurt her..she has clarified with me and i will take it as a lesson learnt the hard way.. rest assured that i will think twice about msging her from now on..damn it..i accept her decisions fully yet she cant accept mine..i dont even want to think about the future now..i very very scared already.. i very scared that she might change me to what she wants me to be.. i hope not lor..or else what i say in my profile in friendster is no use..

i really donno what she is trying to do lor..hai..i very sian and also having alot of headaches..

can someone enlighten me once again? i want to look on the bright side of life..but i cant..i donno why..

it seem that the matter cant be rest..the misunderstandings cant be solved..hai..i can go mad already..what she say only created doubts in my mind..not the answer that i hope to find..hai..both of us opted for the truce..but the truce that i opted for seem to be rejected by her..what she say doesnt solve the problem..it created anger in me as well..

what a way to start a new yr like this..and also the dullest new yr i ever had..

sign off with a big SIGH!!!

Verdict

two girls shared the same verdict to me despite not knowing each other..lol..kind of surprise to hear the verdict even though i was thinking otherwise..hehe

the very last msg that she send to me was, "tell you wad, i dont wish to lose you as a friend because of this.. *friendly hug* misunderstandings are never ending..im sorry that ive misinterpret your words wrongly..i know you still care.. =)"

erm, given the fact that she has spilt personality that no one can know what her next move, does anyone have the same thinking as me for this msg..i donno..i dont want to think of it..

i know that she is expecting an apology from me. i wonder why guys have to do this even when they did nothing wrong. i know i have to do it sooner or later but i find it hard to do it.

her msn nick was, "i expect nothing but for you to be you"
i know that she was referring to me.

Giving up

from this incident, it only support my stand in giving up in her. not only the feelings is not strong, i also dont have the confidence in it whereas the first 3 i have..haha..hai..and also she was the first that i could give up easily on within a short time.

Heart to carry on?

24 hrs ago..i asked this qn, "what if you have done something half-way and feel that you dont have the confidence to carry on?"

does this simple qn able to escalate to a heaty argument? yes, i did it. and even as i writing it, im still fuming about it.

i ask the qn with no motives, no intention, not even saying the key word in it, just a simple minded qn will able to get into this.

after that qn, i hinted her about her on-going relationship but did not mention that key-word to her as the time isnt ripe to reveal.. after that she know what im referring to and say blabbing about her on-going relationship.

she say how her on-going relationship is going on right now, with no direct bearing to the qn and again i was like, "what has your relationship got to do with that qn?"

the next moment, she say that i sensitive, that i think that she will not able to take care of herself..and i was like, "why dont i take over your place and be the guy boy-friend? or msg her everyday how to make the relationship even better that i plan the steps for you?"

and she also say that i force her to accept my views..kao..i just asking for her opinion and didnt threaten her with a knife to accept what i have say..i didnt say anything except some general views which i didnt force her to accept.

she applied all sort of theories in it popping out from no where and then out of sudden, apologising about misunderstand me, misinterpret my actions..i find it hard to receive her assurance just like that and will also think twice about msg her again..

i preparing for all sorts of comments given by people who have read the post.i wont be surprised if those comments are supporting her..

Randomness (10)

life so boring that time flew so fast..man..i cant get enough rest from my work..today first day off and i spend the whole day rotting in bed and time flew so fast that the next day is the second off..and then work again..sigh..

update on the current situation: i took the opportunity to sms her everything when she sms me back. i told her 3 things regarding the incident.
1. Apologise to her about all the actions that i done.
2. Regarding a certain comment that i msg her in friendster. I explain it to her with sms..and i was like, "very difficult to sms in this type of circumstance, but i did it anyway.."
3. Give up. Does giving up also need a reason for it? I doubt so.

I feel that what i have done in the past has been really impulsive. It just wasnt me in the first place. Confessing to her and doing all sorts of things that hurt her isnt what i want, but yet i did it. Feelings do take a turn and indeed take over my rational thinking. I find it easier to let go this time is because I prayed to God about it. Besides, feelings wasnt that strong to build on that relationship. Guess my friend have say it correctly, she wants to be friends with me to build on a strong foundation. Besides, the enthusiasm for knowing her more in the first place has dwinded. Whatever doubts i have in mind, God have answer for me. As for now, i have nothing to say and i feel that this chapter has closed and settled.