Life in K-9 (8)

"of all the four dogs that you all are taking right now, yours is the most handsome.. the fur is so shiny from the day that i see him.. and i want to see it that way when you all posted out.. the maintainance is there..keep it up.."

wah..first time hearing someone saying dog is more handsome than handler.. lol.. dont worry..i never take it to heart..haha..

i heard that i will be the longest handler ever to take Mito.. the first 2 only got through the whole duration of the training and got him for 2 months respectively.. very playful dog.. very ka-poh as in wanting to know what im holding in my hands.. curious ba.. haha.. and a very affectionate dog.. want to let my mind wander around also cannot.. i was sitting at the grooming area and he stuck his head under my arms.. as if like telling me, "what are you thinking.. can tell me? dont like that.. you can cuddle me and slowly tell me.." lol..i should be the one building the rapport with the dog..but he is doing the rapport instead..hahaha..

hai..but that cant be say to the dogs that i have taken care when im doing my base guard.. i miss Kim and Zeb.. they are kind of sad that i cant bring them out for a walk again.. but i will still visit them everyday till the day i post out.. i will try to take them out when the training hrs are over.. wonder if i can claim overtime allowances..rofl.. zeb's owner has say that no one can touch his dog as he will snap..but i have no problem with it leh..haha.. i think they know that im the one who always bring them out for a walk.. now no one can do that liao.. hai.. my team ah.. owners and dogs all in mourning mood for me.. zeb's owner is simon chong and kim is dave wong.. now i know why chua kia soon say this, "once you leave, the team is gone.." erm.. i dont really think im that important lor..maybe is because the way i work that impress them ba.. oh well, life still goes on without me in the team.. but can definitely see the void i have left behind..

sigh..still no news about the appeal.. is tempted to give a call on it tomorrow..

huh..what sia.. got this type of logic one ah.. erm.. people are more trustworthy if they grow a moustache.. lol.. no comments..

i think i better equip to defend myself first.. something just doesnt seem right and shouldnt be looking on the surface.. hai, some problem have so many layers that it can only solve one part by one part.. like kueh lapis.. all i know that the problem is not that simple and im not involved despite severe warnings.. oh well..that person knows it best..

Life in K-9 (7)

wow.. can see that alot of people doesnt like my decision to take dogs.. yah, i understand how they feel.. yah, they same like me, want me to take narcotic dogs.. yah, im a very nice person to bully right.. hmm.. lol.. my team doesnt want me to go.. but too bad what my team and i wanted for, is not meant to be.. i cant entirely blame my officer for tricking me into..i really cant wait for another 3 more months just to wait for that dog to come to me.. im really really restless.. these guys are really worth mentioning in my blog, for they really want to help me to get what i want and i dont think i can ever repay them back.. my team leader Johnny Sim, Dave Wong, Simon Chong, Chua Kia Soon.. if my officer let me go back to this team once i finish my training.. i have the best team that i can ever find and the best team leader that i have ever know..

today was the first day of security dog training.. trainer on leave for 1 week, raining for half a day.. what a rotten day.. get to see my dog later in the day.. it's a german shepherd.. and the name is MITO... He's going to be my best friend, buddy, wife, girlfriend, secret-holder, confidant, erm...whatever..everything role into one.. Mito! Mito! Mito! Mito! Mito! Mito! Mito! sounds like someone's else name.. i mean it's rhymes.. oh well.. will tried to take some pictures of my dog and posted in friendster..

big size..nice fur.. but stand side by side with me, he stand around my height.. go imagine how tall is he and how big is he.. 4 yrs old guard dog..older than me in the force..cannot play play.. full of energy in him.. heard that he can really play to the fullest with other dogs that match his size.. Holland bred.. that how much i know him for the first day.. but compare to a dog named Shadow, his size lose out alot.. Shadow is the biggest dog.. eat 4 scoops of feed..

im really really rusted on my physical fitness.. before i pass out, i can do 9 pull-up..now i can only do a miserable 2.. pengz.. now i ready to shed those "pull factors".. not fats lah.. but long time never exercise, no intention to move my feets or hands anymore..

1 situation down, 1 to go.. can say that i feel better ba.. now left the appeal in it only.. hopefully it can succeed..

Randomness (18)

i resigned to the fate about the dog that i wanted to take.. i never trust my officer about what he promised me.. this kind of person i will never work with.. since my NS life is already a waste of time, i cant be bothered anymore.. i just want to get out of here as soon as possible.. hmm..suddenly have this ORD mood.. but the time is still far away.. 1 yr and 2 months.. the only comfort i have is my team leader.. he is helping me right now.. whatever it is, i owe him a favour.. his actions have say it all.. donno how will it be.. hai.. dont care so much..

another one is my intention of further studies at poly.. hopefully the appeal will succeed.. or how i could in a way convince them that i really intend to pursue that course..

i never feel so uneasy before where i have to face 2 situation at the same time.. i prayed about it.. and even ask my brothers and sisters in christ to pray for me as well.. oh well.. whatever the decision in both situation is, i have to accept it.. God have His own way and own time to let me know His purpose and His will.. hopefully tomorrow will be the day to know it once and for all..

even before i got wind about the dog that i will be taking or the application of my poly is rejected, the uneasiness is already there.. hmm.. is it because i saw something that i dont wish to see.. i donno.. if by tomorrow i got the answer to both situation and yet the uneasiness is still there.. then i roughly know what is it already..

Randomness (17)

Love or feelings? Commitment or fling? Reality or dream? Worldly possessions or spiritual matters? Talents or money? Happiness or contentment? Own decision or peer pressure? Selfish or sacrificial? Family or future? Looks or character? Good or evil? Time or answer? Sincerity or gifts?

Questions to ponder...


The year is where robots rule the world. J.N is a cyborg. It was once a human where now gender is not important. He or she, no one knows. It was an experiment goes very wrong. J.N was the first creation where chips put in every part of the body to stop the cells from aging. You can call it an immortal. But J.N is tired of living. It has committed a crime. J.N murdered its creator. It now serving time at a maximum security prison. J.N had been there ever since robots take over human. Not knowing how the world looks now, J.N know the time to die is 2 hrs away.

The time is now 29:96. It has stop for this is the time that J.N killed its master. The execution is a gun that shoots out knives. This method have been used since humans. No more letal injection, no more electrocution chair, no more hanging. There are 5 cyborgs waiting in line including J.N. All committed crimes at the same time but different reason. First cyborg went down after 3 shots. All were aim in the vital parts of the body. The remaining 3 too, ended their lives where no one wish to go through. J.N was next. First shot fired, but it doesnt go through the body. Puzzling as it is, second shot fired, again it cant pierced through. Before the third shot is fired, J.N disappeared into thin air.


every story that i write isnt really complete as i jump from part to part.. this time round i leave a cliffhanger. if i write a complete story in my blog, it will be a very long drag down..

this week been really eating and eating non-stop..argh.. friends bring me to go and eat Marche.. lol..

i heard that i kanna security dog course.. kns.. my officer ask me to email him to take narcotic dog.. and give me this.. not going to sit down here and doing nothing, i call DY and told him the matter.. just now call my officer and talk about it.. wah..he really good at giving excuses..nothing but excuses.. now my Team Leader want to step in and help me liao..

secondly, i applied for poly but unsuccessful.. i appealed against the decision.. hmm.. going to wait and see how to get into that course i want to pursue.

these 2 situations are either going to secure my happiness and future for at least 3 yrs or really make me want to try till i run out of resources.. Hope that God will understand and help me.. just a simple request make known to God and that He's able to open my eyes.

Funny story

Lying on a cold hospital bed in an intensive care unit, suffering from an epidemic disease that threaten to wipe out the whole of mankind, i was a victim. Faint heart beat, no sign of hope, no sign of miracle. Family and loved ones were around me, dressed up in surgical suits to prevent them in contact with any infection on me. Some prayed, some talk, some cried, but never give up hope on me till my heart pump to the very last.

Mom was heart-wretched, she couldnt see the sight of her flesh and blood eroded away every minute. She know that her beloved is a fighter, even the cells are fighting hard for me to stay alive. In a desperate move, she removed the mask and give me a kiss. A kiss of life. A kiss of miracle waiting to be happen. A kiss to keep me fighting. A kiss that my body is getting some feeling back due to the injection of antibiotic to keep me numb and drowsy.

For a minute, it was silence around the room as Brother saw my eyes open and shouted, "look, he's awake." All my loved ones lunged forward to verify that i indeed awake. Some were shocked, some couldnt believe their eyes. But all in the end, happy for me that i have fought a good battle against the disease. I couldnt get to see the joy on their faces, the smile and laughter due to the masks that they wore.

Doctors checked on me and say, "Son, you are a miracle. Before that, we ask your parents to prepare for the worst. But now, as we did a through check-up, we find that you are in a pink bill of health. Unbelievable!!"

"Erm..?!?" i asked as i flash a weak smile to the doctors.
"Yes? Anything wrong?" asked the doctors.
"I need to pee." I say in embrassment.

Echos of laughter were heard in the unit.


Donno how is this story..hehe.. just wrote it for fun.. my phone bill this month will hit a record.. sigh.. 3 calls.. incoming i dont mind.. outgoing my mother will mind.. hai.. i think i can hear the nagging now...

movie price going to increase..haha.. it doesnt going to put me off just because of that.. i got no comments at this moment of time till it really happens..

oh, anyone see the article in the newspaper? about a christian lawyer giving up on God, giving up on her career, gives up everything even her family, till her son saves her.. she describes her life, her upbringing, everything in it.. i feel very inspired about it..hehe.. and her moral of it is: Every dark cloud have a silver lining.

Randomness (16)

what a buddy i have.. he cant even let me have a peaceful sleep in this cool weather.. ask me out for a movie and went for a buffet..

im so bloated from all the varieties of food taken... shark fin, sashimi, BBQ food..you name it they have it.. it's at Marina Square.. Pariss International Seafood Buffet Restaurant.. 5 star service, 5 star restaurant.. most prob will be celebrating my birthday at this place..hehe..

i remembered very vividly from the first celebration that i had with my friends and buddies.. that was in sec 2..and from then on, i make it a point to celebrate with them every yr without fail.. activities range from going to restaurant and have a feast..hehe.. movies, pool, bowling, driving, arcade, ktv and supper.. and everytime, there is always something to remember, whether good or bad.. this will be the 8th yr..

just have a chat with a friend from overseas..get to know her in a game that we play long ago..but it is closed now as there is no sponsors.. missed the time that we meet online at a specified time to attack other players when they are sleeping..lol..
here is some of the extracts of the conversation..

Me: "roding a dragon across the desert, the rider saw a familiar tarvern that withstood armageddon.. the dragon glows in delight for it has seen fellow dragons wandering around without any owners in sight.. "they are here.." mutters the rider.. getting off from the dragon, he enter the tarvern and feel the nostalgia.. he walked past every fame of glory where all our battles are recorded and to the bartender.. "give me something that can take away my memory.."

Her: Oh hi! I miss you hun. I too missed the time that we had together. Oh, what happened mate? This drink is on the house.

told her about the problem.. and see the extracts for yourself..

Her: Hmm. Don't worry, hun. The solution that she got is temp. She need someone to give her a solution that is able to fix it all. Maybe that person is you? lmao.

Me: me? lol.. i dont think so.. she thinks im oversensitive for it.. and after that she thinks that im good pal, an added bonus to her life.. what is she thinking..

Her: Give her time. I can see that you are offering a very different solution to her, maybe she doesn't want to accept it.

Me: Tina, i cant make up for the lost time just for her..

Her: Oh well, i know your plight. Son. Just carry on with life. When the time comes, she will know what to do.

Me: wow.. hehe.. same sentiments as well.. i donno.. i just have to look on the bright side of life..

Her: Haha!! Good.

Me: sigh.. i really wish to play that game with all the pals especially you and Blacksol.. never have a chance to rape you in it..rofl..

Her: Yeap! Go ahead hun. All the guys in it are waiting for that rare chance. I seem to be too high in ranking for them to get to my foot.

Me: yeah.. gee..is really cool talking to you.. just this little advice is heavenly..

Her: No worries. Oh, got to go. Children waiting for me to fetch from school. Chat with you some other day. Take care.

just a few minutes of chat with a loved one so far away from USA, the feeling doesnt come any better..

Things to ponder

time to give your mind to think about something..hehe.. just imagine this: i dont have this blog and didnt communicate with someone for like 5-6 weeks.. out of sudden, we talk everything under the sun, anything nice you can think of.. meeting up, celebration of birthday, etc..without going into details of problems that person is facing.. for some freaking weird reason, give her this blog add.. anyone dare to think what happen next?

that person make a fuss out of what i blog..now is this scenerio a lack of communication or miscommunication? and trying to shift the blame to me.. not only that, she divert my attention purely to what i blog, but not telling me about the problems that she face..

25/3/05 was her birthday celebration.. she show me one of her personality.. 2 days ago, she show another one of her personality to me while smsing.. yesterday night another personality of her show up..only thing i know is that im confused..but i decided to make a stand to it..

even without this blog, that person took too long to clear up the matter.. im not going to be a stupid idiot waiting for the next move..

just find out something.. for those who born under aries.. they are courageous leaders. it is rare that they will use their subordinates to obtain their objectives as leaders, but occasionally it does happen. They do not make very good followers because they are too "take charge". They maybe unwilling to obey or submit to direction for which they can see no reason, or with which they disagree. They are self-reliant but also self-centred sometimes, and only concerned with their own advancement. Their social and romantic ambitions certainly seem to be playing a dominant role. However they may have such great hopes that they try to push people into roles that dont suit them. In return, resentment ensures, and then nobody will be satisfied.

whatever decisions that i make, whatever post that i have blog, i know that i cant please everyone.. if everyone have the same mindset, same views, same principles..isnt that a bore?

be it in my previous place of study or in my training ground, i was the only christian.. the scenerio will be very different if i just have someone from the same religion to know what i go through, to pray for me, to comfort me.. i have to make a stand as a christian and not to succumb to peer pressure.. if not i really have to question myself or having doubts crept into my mind..

God gives us trials to test us, that at the end of the day, we can be a perfect, if not near perfect, person.. to be a christian and not to go through sufferings or trials from God, i think that person really have to examine himself.. what is the purpose of coming to this evil, unfair world? to have fun, to seek God, or other purposes which i cant think of? i rather suffer now, and enjoy the benefits later.. God have say this, "i have reserve the best for my children.."

when the going gets tough, i can prove that im a very tough nut to crack.. as long as what i do i think is right.. i dont care what other people say..so long i dont have a guilty conscience.. im here to please God..not to please mankind.. even if the odds are stacked against me, as long as i have the will, i have a way to solve it..

Hymns

some wonderful hymns will like to share..donno whether you can get to hear the music been play..

http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/j/i/jiamrest.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/a/c/acanitbe.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/a/l/altheway.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/j/u/n/junderst.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/m/y/myrdeemr.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/m/y/mysavior.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/s/o/sotpogod.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/l/i/lilyvall.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/t/o/togodbe.htm
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/w/i/willjesu.htm

Questions answered

i got the answer what i want.. im not disappointed about it but rather still feeling kind of weird the way she replies back my question..

i ask a question twice, different angle but same meaning.. and in both cases, she replied back different answers..

first qn : "but dont you think that this decision is purely at your discretion..and not based on your family feelings.."

the reply : you very very funny leh.. you are not me, how you know..

not to be deterred, i ask another time..
"come on, you say your family encouraged you to patch back.. and not based on your own.."

last reply : as long as my family is happy and my feelings are still there..

all i can say in conclusion is that, she doesnt know what she want in a relationship.. the decision is purely based on her family and not on her own.. she only see the picture at a certain angle, well..that how stubborn she is..just want her own way..facts are facts, no matter how she change it, it will still be there..and she have given me the benefit of the doubt.. oh, about what i blog in the past, i still stand what i blog.. as long as my conscience doesnt prick me.. wait till the day your mind is able to make a decision firmly on your own, you will know what i actually meant in my blog.. friends, yes, we are and will still be friends.. that all i have to say what i want to say..

i got 5 days of rest.. today rest the whole day, got to think what activities to do for the next few days.. yesterday i cant feel the tremors of the earthquake..i was in the duty office talking to friend on the phone and smsing at the same time..hehe..

Weird dreams

wah lan eh.. cannot lah... i cant believe what i have dreamt... the timing of getting these dreams doesnt come any weirder..

1) the background was at a beach.. clear blue sky with no sun.. and then someone just hugged me from behind.. i donno who is it.. and heard a voice saying, "dont leave me.." *gulps*

2) another one was in town.. i got a very passionate kiss and i cant stop that person who is doing it.. i cant see or figure it out who is it.. i can see everything but not that person..

to me at this point of time, is a nightmare.. to people who are seeing this, is a dream cant wait to be realise.. i think my mind is too conscious and not sub-conscious to have these dreams.. to remember it after i wake up is even worse.. every dream that i got through, will eventually come.. when? i donno.. but i really hope these dreams is nothing but a dream...

whenever i dream, it will come.. is like when i come across this place or event in reality, my mind will be thinking, "this place look so familiar to me.." i dont want to think so much...

"Been single is a gift from God, able to be with the One that you love is a blessing from above.."

Invaluable advices

my mind is crystal clear.. feeling wise, much better now.. a million thanks to my buddies and friends for their wonderful advices.. and praise to God for hearing my cries and comfort the weary me in His laps..

what she wants to tell me..im still waiting.. but i intend to make the record straight and the line clearer.. i know that i cant do anything.. what i fail from the past, i intend to make it right this time...

when is it that she gonna to tell me? i donno..

Life in K-9 (6)

wahahah..get to eat snake while on duty.. weekend nothing to do..no one in office.. but very sian.. hehe

to see a full big picture once is enough for me.. to see the second time trying to alter the picture, the novelty isnt there anymore.. i dont want to comment anything.. is time for her to make the very first decision on her way to adulthood.. she no longer wields the power of a pampered princess.. time to let her decide on her own.. if she falls..let her.. in the past, people around her have been supporting her whenever she falls..

for me, we only get to live once.. if i make the wrong decision, i fall but i learn from the experience.. and not to commit it again.. and strive to be a better person at the end of the day..

i only let history goes through once.. and make sure that it will not repeat the same mistakes again and again..

people out there had been telling me not to lent a helping hand if not, they will relied on me too much.. true enough..

as of today, no more blogging just for her sake.. i rather use the blog for what i've been through at the end of the day, my thoughts or whatsoever..

just now went to kennel to see the new dogs.. got one spaniel named beckham..wahaha.. but i feel that this name is been overused.. and a golden retriever named nero..cute..
hai..next month take dog, but donno when.. and after this tour, i got 6 days of rest..hmm..will be planning what to do to keep me occupied..

True love

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. "The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way." "Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be." Happiness doesn't depend on what u have but what u satisfy & contented with. Try looking at the simple side of life, don't make life around you so complicated. It's how you make others happy rather than how you want others to make you happy.

Battle lost

i have lost the battle once again.. the bulletin wasnt meant for me.. it was for her ex-boyfriend.. naive fool of me..

for once in a sudden, i feel restricted.. i cant express the love for her.. i dont have the freedom to create the feeling in her.. and i feel that i am a substitute for her ex-boyfriend to have this talent of poetry.. the talents in me never show its full potential.. and to think that i force her to like me.. she still doesnt understand me.. and that understanding is too shallow..

i feel betrayed about the way i showered love with care and concern.. love stung me back with its deadly poison.. the feeling is lost and numb.. slow and effective as the poison can be, i breath my very last ounce of air in me.. eyes welled up with tears and watch love fly away.. till then, i died with tinge of regret over the actions that i have done..

no amount of sorry is able to take away the pain i have right now.. sorry is not the word i want to hear right now.. happy to see the state in me right now..

Unforseen circumstances

i cancelled the meeting due to unforseen circumstances.. i dont find it a very good idea to meet up where feelings and tempers will flare up for no reason.. i decided to change it to a chat in msn instead..

i already have an idea what she wants to tell me given the vital information provided by her male friend.. the problem is not between us.. but is with her..

the topic could well be, "wanting to patch up with her ex but fear for the repercussion for those who are waiting for her.." rather than a heart to heart talk..

i have this thinking that yesterday meeting could be the first and the last one.. i dont wish to speculate either..

time, oh time..
you are a double-edged sword to me..
sometimes is nice to me..
sometimes is unfair to me..
if only you have the mouth to speak..
why, what, where, who, how..
any direction that can provide an answer..
if only..

Heart to heart talk

i was a half wounded soldier going into this battle prior of the first meeting up with her.. my mind was crying out loud for help last night.. mentally, the battle is full of landmines.. once i step into any one of it, that the end of my opportunity.. feelings were at stake last night..

unexpectedly, i have allies.. a dialect where i used to quarrel with my grandma.. some vital information from her male friends..and a priceless expression from her ex-boyfriend..

she seem to have this plan but have backfired on her.. she seem to have this signal to tell me to forget about her.. and having an underestimation of me in this battle..

1 and 1/2 hr was all the time i needed the allies to help me.. the battle is not won yet.. apr 1st will be the outcome..

a heart to heart talk, clear the air over the misunderstanding..Q&A.. whatever the agenda is, all is in the list..but the purpose of the coming meeting is been defeated even before it commenced..

Time healer

hmm.. overall i find it very weird how time in a way work in us or against us.. it can go very slowly, sometimes very fast, others may call it perfect timing, or wrong time.. but whatever it is, time have a way to let us learn or know something behind it..

i thought that she knew my blog site all along.. especially the timing when the friendship was in the balance, and the next day, she accept it back again.. but i was wrong..
on the other hand, i was more than willing to let her know my blog site.. maybe in a way, she could also understand me through my thought for the day, the way i handles problems and situations.. i find it a win-win situation for both of us.. since she still doesnt really yet understand me in reality.. hehe..

the day that i confessed to you, you say to me this "whatever the future shall holds, time tells." why dont we let time to decide whether are we the one for each other? i donno how long you want it to be, but i hope the duration is enough for you to heal the emotional wounds, to forget the past and to look for the future and ultimately able to let you know who is the one for you..

My Observation

my observation seem to rust for a while..hehe.. but i have a rough idea why she seem so stress out for the moment.. the day the relationship was off, i didnt give her any pressure or persuade her to be my gf.. i didnt ask for her decision.. but i admit that i "sweet-talked" her..

1) some people in her workplace have taken a fancy for her, or have even admire her..but can these people accept the way the spotlight is been on her ever since she is in the training ground.. i have one of her ex to prove that he cant accept it.. yup..she is no doubt a lass..a class of her own.. but the way he dont wish to find her talking to other people is just plain childish.. he want the trust from her..but he himself cant find the trust in him.. to me, i already accept what she is and who she is.. i have complete trust in this girl..

2) to her, love is now a taboo subject.. she is in "recovery" mode.. trying to forget the past and looking into the future is tough for her..but i believe she can do it.. and i have these people telling her at this weird timing.. what are these guys thinking.. and to stress her even more makes me realise that im not invulnerable.. come on, give her the space, freedom..whatever..just dont give her stress..

hai.. now cannot talk to her or chat with her online.. most of all, these guys have put a dent to my confidence.. again cannot do anything.. have to wait till this friday where i will be meeting her for her birthday celebration.. most important will be on the april's fool where she will tell me everything..

the amazing race series show have been the only reality show that my eyes will glued to the goggle box.. how a team of two people navigate their way around the world to earn 1 million dollars.. how the team face a problem to solve it against the run of time.. how the team get to know each other weakness and strength through the race.. this season, rob and amber have caught everyone's eyes.. especially the way how they exploit the loopholes of the rules to the game.. damn.. and they are from "survivor" all stars.. amber been the overall winner and rob the runner-up..

but i hate the "survivor" reality show.. full of back stabbing, politics and alliance.. this show is definitely not my type..

hai..feeling very sian.. dont wish to blog.. i know she have my blog add.. and she will definitely read it..

The past

while it is bad to hear from someone that you like not to go for her..but i find it a good sign that she is willing to open up to me.. on the surface, she might be the happy-go-lucky gal.. but inside, her heart is hurt.. only time can heal the wound..

a past that is tainted with hurt and emotional scars that left behind, is never easy for her. Past have been hunting her yet she is looking for the future to take her away.. first phone call to me and telling me about her past relationship make me realise that she is indeed not a simple girl..how right was i... but i determined to be the one who can heal the wound, the future to look for and the guy who can accept her past..

she once told me, "i have a guy that go for 3 yrs, another one 1yr, another 1 yr..followed by the basketballer then the malay.." now, given your common sense, which guy have hurt her the most? logical thinking will go for the guy of 3 yrs.. a guy that have given her everything, promise her everything have been dashed the moment the relationship ends.. as expected, a girl will definitely expecting the next guy to be the same as the guy of 3 yrs.. but none fits the bill.. this expectation is the past which she cannot let go..

this is a very delicate matter to me and to her.. but i will take it up a challenge to confront her past, to build her confidence where she is once was.. im handed to a task that failure is not in it.. one step at a time.. time will know.. ultimately, dont rush her to commit that decision.. slow and steady wins the race.. no way am i going to give up this time.. im determined to see it through..

Randomness (15)

hey, im asking for something that is closer to base..not somewhere near base.. again another COR.. the timing of getting that msg doesnt come any weirder.. we use the matra set and tune to other division channel since we started the duty.. J division to be precise.. every msg that comes through the matra set, we just listen to it and laugh it off the way the text of msg is send through.. at about 4 in the morning.. everyone was taking a rest..so i take the matra set and tune to the lowest volume.. my ears just pick up a voice that say, "pls activitate k-9......" i wish i didnt hear that.. i donno why.. i was reading previous day newspaper and listening to FM 98.7 music.. but that voice make the matra set volume seem to be the loudest..
text of msg: "foreign worker's permit is stolen, suspect to be an II, run towards the forested area at Choa Chu Kang rd, near Jalan Lekar" what a day to end the duty like this..

i think i sleep too much that triggers the headache.. and she make full use of it to msg me back not to go for her.. kao.. she must have a bad day in work that cause her to msg like that..

does everyone really goes through what i've been through? i dont think so.. she vent her anger on me, breaking up friendship.. did anyone from her side experience that.. pls msg me to prove me wrong.. as far as i know, i didnt complain one bit to her..didnt change her.. willing to suffer for her..willing to wait.. willing to incur her wrath again just for the sake to be with her and to understand her..

i didnt ask for her decision..lol.. but the day after her birthday, i have to outwit her thinking and to convince her and to assure her.. whatever it takes.. and also hopefully..that will not be the second and the last time i get to see her..

Randomness (14)

im not asking for an activation call from COR.. argh.. is this something special that i ask for to make my day better.. no.. maybe something closer to base.. like an intrusion or IED exercise.. i have yet to experience that in my 3 months there..

man, she could just tell me where's the place for her birthday celebration.. donno how to describle, tell me more about it when the time is nearer.. what sia.. now i know the place..hehe.. but still donno which floor.. lol.. major details are been ironed out.. but minor details seem to be missing.. hmm..

Randomness (13)

went out today and see Robots.. overall feel refresh at the end of the day.. i dare to say that she have inject some ideas in me as to how to make use of the time..

i msg her today whether i could meet her next wed.. but she couldnt make it.. so she suggest meeting either on her birthday celebration or after her birthday.. i take both..hehe.. what to do..have to be thick skinned what..

she say that if i come for her birthday celebration, im might feel awkward as i donno anyone.. but i assure her that she is the one that i know..also can take the opportunity to know her parents and friends..

earlier on, she mentioned to me that she is not ready for it at this moment of time.. guess i have to slowly build her confidence up and be there with her..

Life in K-9 (5)

i have this tiredness in me which i cant describe.. it not mentally or physically.. is the work that i been doing since coming to k-9.. work 2 days off 2 days that in a way, my body have adapt to the timing.. the work for me is definitely not my cup of tea..even when my team leader ask me about signing on, i give him an answer straight away without hesitating..

is there a challenge in guard duty?
is there anything to do besides sitting in the duty office, eat when your stomach ask for food, rest when needed or read newspaper just to pass time?

to me, both answers is no.. a definite no no.. i know myself more than anyone else.. i know what i want..i need challenges that able to inject this dull lifestyle im coping right now.. some kind of surprises along the tour of duty, or something out of the blue happen..

i have yet to take a leave.. i might take one in order to get away this lifestyle for a moment.. i told her about it, and she suggest writing letters, poetry.. my mind at this moment is not working.. maybe i need a recharge to make my mind works again..

as for that DO of mine..im too numb and tired to say anything.. if you want to show me atittude to me..i will do the same back to you.. everyone in the team is trying to throw a brickbat at you.. the way you have portrayed yourself in the team is not going to work.. maybe just for your own race..right..

is been a long time since we last met in our training ground..she have passed out earlier to undergo training at brani.. as such, i feel that her absence had make my heart grow fonder of her.. i intend to ask her out this weekend.. hopefully she will agree to it.. =)

Life in K-9 (4)

haha.. the new intake is here.. tomorrow 2 of them will be joining our team for the tour of duty.. today teach them about the SOP of the duty office, sentry hut and bring them around the base.. esp the prowling points.. hehe..

oh.. good news never come at such a good time.. i was told that i will be taking dog in april.. and will be taking narcotic detector dog..haha..and could even go to the roving team..as the team needs people..

i feel that God is definitely in control of my life.. knowing what i want and also able to meet my spiritual needs.. if i were to posted out to Woodlands checkpoint or Airport sub base, i have to do shift works which sundays are been burnt for nothing.. but as for roving team, i only get to work 5 days a week.. no need to come back during weekends to work..

as for her.. hmm.. the signs look promising..hehe.. talk to her online for 3 hrs..lol.. the topics seem endless.. play games, send mp3 songs and also discussion about her big day.. =D

send her two very unique sms to her this morning and last night.. only she is able to understand the meaning.. =)

Life in K-9 (3)

argh..friendster is getting suckier and suckier.. cant even see the latest testimonials..or the pics.. worst of all, very lag..

one of my colleague ask me to take care of his dog when he takes leave for holiday at shanghai.. his dog is a bitch who is on heat.. her name is kim.. everytime i went to the kennel to take her out for a walk during my tour of duty, she will bark and demands to go out before i took the leash.. the actual problem comes when she is out of the kennel.. i never leash her, she doesnt want to run.. i leash her only, she wants to run.. the handler is back from the holiday and i told him about it.. guess what he say? "good dog are like that one mah.." i got no comments to shoot him back.. never mind..he is back to lecture the dog..hehe..

my DO is getting more and more attitude problems.. ya ya only.. think HQ is his place and can anyhow order people.. stop abusing your authority.. just because you are a regular and holding a corporal rank doesnt mean that you run the show.. without us, you can survive in HQ for so long meh.. dont wish to learn about the operation of the duty office, say lah.. got difficulty only, call us.. still say, "i know i know.." only know how to get along with the people with the same colour.. racist.. and i feel that he is deteriorating the spirit of Bravo.. kns.. i just keep quiet only..i dont wish to blow up the matter.. just quickly get a dog and leave the team.. without you, Bravo wont be in this state..

ho ho..monday, new intake will be coming in lor.. haha.. i heard 8 will be coming in.. 5 will be kennel hands and 3 will do base guard.. taking over us huh..haha.. yup.. i told my officer that i will take a dog..only narcotic detector dogs only.. and he ask me to tell my Team Leader to send an email to him..lol.. hopefully we could get the narcotic detector dog course asap.. but at the meantime.. there is no news..so i guess i have to wait..

Surprised phone call

YES!!! she is back!! the one that i knew in my training ground.. the one that surprised me with a call.. the one that took the initaitive.. the one whose plan is still intact.. though i know that she likes me through the girls that i talked to.. i have to act "ignorant" now..=P

Door closed

she have shut herself up literally despite offering my help.. be it in msn, friendster, sms or phone..she just doesnt want to pick up or reply back.. she is confused, i know that.. but that is definitely not the way to do it.. she is just that stubborn, she just want it her own way.. i cant do anything either.. just have to sit down and wait till she have the answer that both of us been waiting for...

Things are still the same

"she have this plan which is flawless and safe. nothing could ever find fault in it. this plan is too perfect. From the first phone call, to a testimonial and even the confession which i make, the plan have it all.. she deliberately keep asking me, "what is it?" when she know what im going to do next in the confession.. i was the one who make the wrong move esp the "misunderstanding".. i lost the war and the battle..and even her..but her plan still works in her way, her perfect way."

im now really taking one step at a time.. that is to wait for her.. i still like her.. the above about what i say is sincerely from my heart.. i have this belief that she and i can really go through thick and thin together.. i dont wish to talk about the one in my life.. as not to raise my expectation too high that she cant meet or to put pressure on her..

Special Priority First

lol..now i know what is SPF stands for.. not Singapore Pig Farm.. is Special Priority First.. why? regulars are given the priority to get the dogs..and only narcotic detector dogs.. not security dogs.. they can just ask to transfer to k-9 anytime they like..kao.. i mean, i dont mind girls getting narcotic detector dogs..but guys who sign on? they should be given general purpose guard dogs.. man..i hate those regulars who is in k-9.. males regulars especially.. they just took everything that we, the only 3 left in the intake not to take dogs, have to suffered.

i feel that im fighting for a lost cause in this situation.. is it fair? of course not.. if in the first place we get to choose what we want in the first place, why cant we get what we want now? force us to take something that we dont want, like in this case, taking security dogs..hell no man..

if my officer agree to what i say that i want to take dogs but only narcotic detector dogs, and also citied that the priority given to 116th intake and dont care about the previous, then he better make sure he should do what he have say..

i know that to some, im kinda selfish..but try stepping into my shoes, either you will keep quiet or make a fuss out of it.. if i deem it to be very fair, i will have shut my mouth off and continue my duty for the rest of my NS days without complain. yup, this is the reality..this is the working world.. hai.. im not complaining..but a request to make my NS a more memorable one..

NS dilemma

argh.. im facing an even worse problem now.. im in a dilemma.. sigh.. today had a meeting with my officer regarding about taking dogs because the 117th intake is coming in anytime this week..

i ask my officer, "if i agree to take dogs, what dogs will i get to take?"
and the reply was, "i dont know.." kao..now i know why so many people hate to hear this answer..and he gives us till wednesday to give him the answer..

if i say yes, i will get security dogs..which i dont like..i dont want to go to prisons just to walk around the perimeter with my dog..

if i say no, i will be stuck in base guard.. no life..and is letting my life to rot for nothing for 1 1/2 yrs..

if i say yes but i want to be on the waiting list for narcotic detector dogs..wonder what will my officer reaction be?

before he go back home after office hrs, he ask me again, "how is it?"
"i donno, sir..but the probability of getting security dogs is higher than narcotic detector dogs.."
"where you live? do you have any idea that base guard is the most glamourous duty in k-9?"
"around balestier area..huh..i cannot sit down and do nothing..im a restless person.."
"you want narcotic detector dogs, right? i give you"
"haha..sir, your assurance not very convincing leh.."
and what he did next prove me right..he give me an evil smile..

come on, give me something that makes my national service an enjoyable one.. 5 months of regimental training and 3 months of base guard duty doesnt make my life colourful..to me, is very dull and all around it is black and white to me..just give in this request for me..

worse come to worse, i might opt for driver pool.. doesnt seem to have a destiny with dogs..dont ask me to sign on.. government have let me down very terribly.. sign on only prolongs your suffering..so what we earn 4-5 times of what a normal ns man's allowance get yet cant get the satisafaction that you and i wanted to have..

hai..no mood to talk.. after i know my verdict on wednesday, then i decide what to do next.. government give us 2 yrs of allowance to do nothing.. i dont think is enough lor.. i mean, why dont you provide for us when we intend to use that time to study..sigh..i think im an anti-government liao..

The one

uhm..someone has ask me to take over and do all the initiative.. cool.. thanks..but at this moment, i still have some personal matters to attend before i could really committed myself to it.. i dont wish to carry this burden with me if i enter this new phrase of life.. pls give me some time to settle these problems and also in a way, able to give yourself a much needed break..

about the one in my life, i dont want to say anything. im just quietly confident enough. all i can only say is that she is very different from the ones that i have 'chased' or girls that i know.

Over before it started

oh well, guess it all over.. someone dont want to say..i also cannot do anything.. but have to find out myself.. sigh.. btw, is not that she donno what i blog..is that i have guess it all correctly that she is too shy to say it.. right?

this note is specially for her....

"before we meet, she already took my heart and wrote her name in it. 3 months of wonderful memories painted the picture so well that people just stared and admired. after that, we went through an emotional roller-coaster ride where our faith in each other is put to the test. She held my hand throughout the whole ride without realising it. When the ride was at the highest point, i too held her hand and never let go. But she wanted to let go to feel the exhilaration of the ride..throughout the ride, our faith strengthened, bringing us to a new level of understanding where no one dares to venture, everything just fall into place so prefectly that it has form a complete picture for me and her to see..

Though she has written her name on my heart, she didnt intend to break it either..she has wrap it with all her care and concern that my heart is too hard to break..She has been with me throughout since the day we know each other..she was with me mentally and spiritually.. giving me encouragement during my training theory exams..while i give her my blessings for her final driving test.. the bond is there..the chemistry is definitely still there..even the spark..

the ride has ended..but we are mentally tired from it..i will still continue to help her and be with her as long as my determination and preservance is there to see..and not extinguished at the last min.."

In the dark

can someone pls tell me what is going on now?? i seem to be in the dark.. does my blog really that hard to understand or confusing to you.. look, whatever problems you have, dont keep it in your heart..share with me.. people who know me will know that i give a very fair opinion irregardless whether im direct or indirect to the problem..

man, if she only have a blog and able to let me know about it, i wont mind keep it for her and able to read and understand what she is going through now..

the last msg she sent was on 17/2/05.. and after that, nothing is heard from her despite smsing her and calling her.. the silence is just too deafening that i msg her today.. and at last i get a reply..

i really wish to hear from her soon and that i able to help her solve the problem and that she will be happy again..

Randomness (12)

hai..today wanted to have a swim but rain prevent me from going out and keep me in bed till afternoon..the weather is just too cooling to move around the house..

yesterday my friend ask me to meet at simei..i was like, "of all places?!?!" but then i still go lor, hai..on the way there, can see so many PCG..one guy still wear in his half-U.. pls lah, tuck out for goodness' sake..i dont wish to see someone beaten up for nothing..

the list seem to growing everytime i speak out to different girls about the problem i had.. now it's 4..
1) Shu Juan - ITE classmate
2) Min Ci - IRC pal for donno how long, still haven meet..hehe..
3) Esther Li - ITE schoolmate, buddy's wife..hehe
4) Wen Qing - Another buddy's friend..
all walks of life but same in answer.. can any girl out there able to provide a different answer when i say out..

erm..someone told me that i can understand girls.. lol, ever since im in secondary school, i interact with girls more than guys lor.. i think all the girls are the same.. hai.. this is what i find out:
rule of thumb: whenever they are sad or angry, never ever take their words seriously.. they doesnt mean what they say..
2nd rule: just offer them what they want when they are angry or sad.. make them happy will do the trick..

oh yah..someone is playing hard to get huh.. hai, whatever lah.. i dont see myself out of the race so fast for the time being..

Questions for her

do you know what is your expectations or needs in a relationship? does the guy in the relationship able to meet your needs? are you going in a relationship just for the sake of going or just follow your heart or in a way the guy able to meet your needs? dont go for the sake if you follow your heart.. you should also consider what you really want and need in the relationship.. if not, no matter how many relationships you have go through, it will not last long.. if the guy could meet all your needs, your expectation, what you really want.. then he is the one for you..

i have provide a way out for you.. you should know what to do.. i know you are confuse right now.. either lose one or lose both.. i know that my chances is not here yet.. im still not stable yet for a relationship.. i feel the time is ripe to say what i want.. wait is one thing, but able to meet your needs is another.. no matter what position im in now, be it as a friend, brother in christ or a rival in love to you, my only advice is there for you to see..

you should know what is your answer to it.. by then i will also know my fate..

Love her with all your heart..

Interesting email i have come across :

Love the girl in your heart, not in your mind. If you
base your relationship on feelings, it will fail for
there are ups & downs in feelings. Girls are there
to be loved, not toyed around.(needless to say anything)

Love her for who she is. Don't even think about
changing any bit about her. 6 billion people in this
world & 6 billion different personalities. She's
special & she will stay that way. You change any
part of her, you'll change her forever. Don't
substitute her for anyone else, they are just unique
in their own ways.(i never change her even though she wants to be bad tempered, stubborn or even having a split personality)

Love whole-heartedly. She sacrificed a lot for you
so you'd better really treasure her. She could
have just got up & date a so much more dashing
guy in town but she chose you instead all because
of love. So love her guys, not play with her.(offer my heart to her also can..)

Don't just get the girl to beg you to stay or
whatsoever. If you're with her, love her. Don't cause
a strain in the relationship, you'll end up loving
each other out of pity or charity, that's not
respecting love at all. Respect love the way it is &
everything will be the best it can be.(i respect love and respect her..)

Don't expect perfection from her. She's the only
one in the world & she's done the best she could.(i know she is not perfect that why i still loves her..)

Like another girl while you're in a relationship?
Then I think it's time you remain single for a while.
Don't go around breaking girls' hearts, it's the most
tragic thing to do.(haha..find it extremely hard to do that, my heart can only take up one person..)

Tell the truth, never hide anything from her. If you
want her to tell you everything, do the same. Don't
go calling other girls "honey" or "darling", how
would it feel if your girl calls other guys the same
way? Be faithful, enough is enough.(tell the truth, nothing but the whole truth..)

Socialise only when you're single. You socialise &
flirt around is to get the girl of your dreams. Get it
over when she's already yours, don't ask for more.(socialise..haha..when i become desperate)

It never kills to be romantic. Think, be flexible.
Getting that diamond ring isn't the only gift for her.
Be realistic, she's human & she lives life just like
you. Something sweet & simple always get the job
done. Money doesn't exist between couples, it's
the love.(using money to buy love..forget it..sincere is the way to go..)

Never promise her that you'll love her forever
because your forever might end the next day. Love
her as if each day is the last.(i didnt.. i want to experience the love with her..)

Sweet talks only apply for singles, not for attached
guys. Do that & you'll really break your girl's heart.
Isn't good being too well-known too, it'll give her a
sense of insecurity. Remember, INSECURITY.(haha..i dont sweet talk..just be yourself and be sincere..)

Promise her & make sure you never break it.
Swear to her & make sure you keep it. Pledge
your love to her & her alone.(did that..)

Loving her is giving her your heart to break it but
trusting her not to. Instead, she'll cherish it &
protect it. That's love. Give her your heart, your
life, your everything.(i offered her..)

Lay down your life & prepare to die for her when
the need arises. But stay strong & live through
another day, she can never live without you.(my actions speak louder than words..)

Never, ever walk out of her life. She won't just cry
her heart out & carry on living as per normal, she'd
die. It her heart that you've broken, how would you
ever know how she feels? (i will never leave her..)

Winning a girl's heart isn't the final victory. Don't
leave her once you've won her love. Love her all the
way till the end of time, love her till marriage, love
her till old age, love her till death. If you can love
her till the end of time, you've earned the honor &
respect for you've truly loved her.(yeah..that the way man..)

She chose you because she believes that you can
fulfil your promise. Win her heart & love her over.
Remember, the girl isn't a trophy for display, she's
someone to love, not to show off to your "friends".
Stay humble yet proud that she's the one for you.
Respect her for the way she is, never despise her
& never mistreat her, never even think of toying
with her...(i wont do that in the first place..)

Last entry

today will be the last day i blog the things between the two of us.. if not the whole blog site will just be the two of us.. nothing but the two of us..

firstly, i realised something when i was on tour of duty last night.. i remember that whenever there is cracks in the relationship, people tend to be in denial, agitated when asked or give false assurance..i donno how many people have told you about it in the first place..but it seem that i was the unlucky person whose asshole looks bigger now for nothing.. look, you know fully yourself about this relationship right from the start.. yet you have been extending deadline time and time again..this awkward feeling you and i have it..for me, i feel it's already unbearable.. i know you are trying to be tolerance towards him..and to me too.. despite what i blog between the two of us, you either seem to be tolerating or doesnt seem to give a care.. i know that i cant order you who to love.. i have been very "quiet" since the misunderstanding..but i know that you have been reading my blog.. i feel that my actions is still not strong enough to send the msg across through this medium..

secondly, despite what you have done in the friendster as in creating a profile for your bf, whether there is a testimonial or not, i already know that you are behind it..

thirdly, may i know what are you treating me for? a rugged doll waiting to be throw anywhere, at your disposal? when i want to give up, you didnt say anything.. now when i dont want to give up, you ask me to..

lastly, dont compare him to me or to any guys out there, be it past or present or future.. all is unique and different in character..

if you could accept him as a bf in the first place, why cant you accept me on the other hand? are you expecting me to change just for your sake.. if i accept you for who you are and what you are, and didnt ask you to change according to my liking..what right do you have to change me?

im just like a dog been locked up in a kennel, waiting for the owner to come and leash me up, ready to meet the challenges ahead outside of this world....

anyway, this will be the last entry between the two of us..i will be MIA now..for the time being.. but my heart still longs for you.. i will still blog occasionially...

Indifference treatment

ever since we have clear the air over the misunderstanding, you been providing me info through friendster.. if you are cold and dont care about me, you wont have send that "things aint the same anymore" but i still feel that warmth you have send to me..

you dont want to pick up my call, is fine with me..you dont want to reply to my msg, is fine with me too.. you dont want to chat with me online..is fine with me either.. you want to be good to me and bad to me the next.. i have no complains about your so-called "split personality"

every opportunity that you throw at me whether good or bad, i will grab it with my both hands..

Prankster

wahahahahah..i couldnt stop laughing..oh, pls.. im really rolling on the floor laughing the way someone actually did this... i donno.. someone have created a friendster saying that he is the bf of her.. his name.. the date he join friendster - feb 2005.. and his profile was everything about her.. i feel it has been very poorly done..

only friend he have was her.. his profile was all about her.. put on 4 pics..1 cat cartoon, 1 pic about her, 1 movie poster, and 1 male in suit drawing..

yup, i know that he is great in drawing.. but why dont show his face? you want someone as a casanova to be your bf.. the way the profile is done seem to indicated who did it.. you posted what you want in the bulletin board and now you apply it in this manner..

if i posted the link to it, i guess it will definitely brighten up the days for us.. im not going to think anything to it nor did you create any doubts in me neither did i feel jealous about it...

hai.. want me to stay off track? you only make it more worse to yourself.. if there is any changes to it as according to my blog.. i can definitely say for sure that you are reading my blog.. i guess next will be the testimonial..yah??

*Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off*

Waiting for the day

no matter how you going to write the msg in it, i know that you are still willing to give me a chance.. what i want is to be more than friends to you.. i want to be your bf.. but i donno how long you are taking this 'vacation'.. i will still wait for you.. i wish to hear from you that the words coming out of your mouth is a positive answer.. i really will like to experience the love with you.. you didnt reject me as far as i know from that confession.. im not afraid for what is going to happen in the relationship...but im afraid that you wont give me the chance that i long for..

i donno when this day will come.. but i know that the chance is still there..

hope you are better now.. rest well and may the Lord strengthen you that you able to face the challenges ahead..

Doubts answered

all in all..i have solve every doubt that you have present for me.. i shall reveal all to you here..

1) right from the start of our friendship, you already know that i will go for you and you are just waiting for me to confess to you.. but i didnt think of that in the first place as i sincerely want to know you better.. no wonder the first phone call was trying to tell me all about your past relationships..

2) in the first friendster msg, you mislead me that my feeling for you liking me was wrong.. now you mislead me once again in the last 2 msg where i cant see what you see as we wear different shades of glass.. you knew all along that somehow i will get to see your picture.. i already knew something was going wrong when i view your friendster profile status from "just married" to "in a relationship"...but i just keep quiet.. and again you sms me about trying to clarify with me about the 1st friendster msg when you were at his mom's birthday party.. again i keep quiet.. i try not to interfere your relationship wherever means i can.. but somehow i got it in your way and lead to the misunderstanding..

3) even in this misunderstanding, you know that it was not a misunderstanding at all..i was right and was able to see what you have see.. though i might be slow in catching what you trying to say, i still try to understand what you trying to say from those 2 msgs.. no doubt tat every point in your msg have a meaning to it.. i believe i got all your points in those 2 msgs..

4) i donno how long you have been reading my blog because i know that i did post the website add in my msn nick.. i know that you have read it all, no doubt about that.. what i have written in the past is how i feel at the point i was blogging.. no hard feelings for that..

5) whether is this a test for me, i donno.. but i believe that you can see that im not a jealous person, nor forcing people, neither did i ever feel insecure about you..asking you where you are all this kind of questions..

6) the latest 2 testimonials that your friend and your cousin have given you and in return you also give them back what you think of them in the testimonials..i believe these 4 testimonials are for me to know.. your friend's birthday was the same month as me except that i was older than him by 3 days...

my mind maybe slow.. as i hate to put on my rusty thinking cap..but i still take the effort to read the msgs again and again to know what you trying to say.. and you use friendster as a medium to reach out to me as an attack zone.. while i use my blog to counter back..no wonder i feel so suspicious that what i had blogged, someone will just throw a lifeline to me..and i didnt know it was you till i have to find out on my own.. nice plan and challenges you have given me.. no doubt you still have this element of surprise.. i dont think you will say me 'oversensitive' again.. as long as you give me the time to prove, i will give you the answer that you want.. but as for now, i will not disturb you for the time being.. i will still wait for you.. i still owe you 2 meals for what you have done for me and what i have caused you.. i will wait for you when you are strong enough to face the challenges again.. i love you princess..

Expected moves

i expected it anyway.. no matter how cold are you, i was not stun at all.. neither am i disappointed that you are not surprised..

8 months is not a long time nor a short time either.. and you go through 3 relationship..guess you are feeling tired from all the problems, and the solutions that you have come up with to solve it.. i dont mind if you already intend to take a rest from it.. i will still wait for you..

i will still be there for you no matter if you dont wish to tell me anything.. if this is your decision, i wont disturb you..

no matter how you going to change to make me lose heart, is very hard now.. i already accept you for who you are and what you are..i look into the heart and realised that you have a heart of inner beauty where no one appreciated..

to me, the past is a memory to me.. the future is the one that im looking forward to..whatever i wrote my blog in the past, im not holding it but treat it as sand in the wind..

i dont believe that your feelings for me will fade away that fast.. you are still holding on the hope when i say, "i give up" given that i dont wish to be influence in your relationship.. i have put in effort to know you, given though i was labelled as "over-sensitive".. i dont mind that despite you saying to me so many times.. you vent your anger at me, i didnt even raise my voice nor use capital letters in the msg to prove my point across.. yet, i offer myself as a venting machine to you..

certain times, you just want it your own way.. whenever you have negative feelings in it.. this is one unique character i dont see it in others.. you are just so special to me that i have high regards to it..no words can explain that kind of feeling..only through action you and i have show it to one another.. i know right from the start, you already show care and concern to me.. even in that misunderstanding that we had..

i know you are heart broken now.. you just want to be alone.. you just want it in your way.. but i know that you didnt meant what you say.. i believe i understand you more than anyone else..

in my eyes, you will forever a princess to me.. i love you.. i will still wait for you.. wait till you are strong enough to face the challenges in life again.. take a rest my princess..

Unlikely scenerios

suddenly im facing with the unlikeiest scenerio where her current relationship will break up and without knowing the reason..now dont get me wrong at this moment..i facing 2 possible solutions to it where she only have the answers to it..

1) IF, yeah, a very big if, the relationship fails because of me, i wont give her the chance.. because i believe that in the end, all will suffer..i rather distance myself away from it.. hope she will see this picture...i dont want to be selfish..i can only help her along the way but not in this kind of manner where she is willing to give me a chance in it..i dont wish to give her stress either..i can only give her moral support in other things..but definitely not in this..

2) if the relationship fails because of other reason, the chances are there for all to see.. i just want to know her better than anyone else..so that in a way, im able to prepare myself for it..

both situations, you all able to see how much i like her despite difference in reason.. to me, she will always be a princess to me..treasure her..be there with her whenever she have a problem.. i willing to be a punching bag to her..willing to offer my shoulders for her to cry on..i just want her to be happy everytime..

at this moment, i donno whether she is still having this relationship..if it is, i wont do anything.. so long she is happy and able to solve the problems together as a couple, i will also be happy for her..

Taking one step at a time

wahaha.. my blog has become a site to extract information about me.. im fine with that.. as long as the freedom to write what i want and no one bother.. i will give my 2 cents worth..hehe

"as far as your relationship is still going on, stay committed. cherish the person beside you. to me, as long as you are happy with who you have, what you are, i wont hesitate to offer my blessings to you. so long as you are happy with what you have, i dont mind giving up once and for all just to see the happiness and the smile on your face. there is no way i will feel heart broken, or jealous about it. i just want you to be happy." you know who you are..

though im stubborn, i dont mind letting go as long as the other party is happy. i'm definitely still content where im standing now..i know my position now much more clearer..learn to let go when it isnt yours.. be more open-minded.. im not fickle minded..

true to my feelings, i knew it that someone indeed is reading my blog..now all the attacks have been stop.. concidence? nah..i know that you want me to know more about you..but this is not the way when you are still in a relationship..i rather have a clean and fair fight to it..but i guess i have lost the fight to it..

my stand right now is : Single, available, free.. giving up is more easily to let go when you see the other person happy..

i donno about the future..i taking one step at a time right now.. only time will know what lies ahead..

Perfect timing

hmm..timing is so perfect sia.. ever since i stop contacting her without getting to know her better..but the info just continue to come in through friendster bulletiin board and her testimonial..her latest 2 testimonials also give me some info about what type of person is she..

i've a very sneaky feeling that someone has been reading my blog in relation to the problem..especially my fear that she will break off the friendship and the very next day, the fears were unfounded.

timing is just too prefect to see anything wrong right now.. all the puzzles seem to fall into the right places at the right time.. i have no doubts but to have some suspicion about it.. i will rather distance myself from her current relationship and assess the situation myself rather than trying to break the 2 of them up..hai..the way she do things only make me wonder, will all of us suffer if she let go one and go for another? or should i really give up and give them my blessings in order that i will not be labelled at a third party or worse still, relationship breaker..hahaha..

hai..at this moment, i couldn't do anything..but to act as a spectator watching from the stands.. if the relationship fail because of me, i wont accept nor give her the chance.. i cannot be selfish.. as far as this thing is concern, i will not do anything..

Best of both worlds

hah...she has initiate the attacks once again..through friendster bulletin board..but i dont like the way what she is doing now.. she is getting the best of both worlds through me and her current bf.. hai..donno lah..if she thinks that way is the safe way..i got nothing to say..

Opinions

oh.. there is one more girl in the list that think that she likes me.. that 3 now..lol..hai..i was not expecting this kind of answer..since that the case, i also cant change the fact either.. =/

Cant be bothered

right from the start ever since i confess to her, i was right all along the way. i knew that she like me but why she want to say otherwise? since that is the way, why she still wants to go into a relationship with that guy? hmm..hai..donno lah..dont want to waste my brain cells.. my brain cells now all very tired to think because of all the problems i have faced recently..

i've been leading by a person who likes to beat around the bush..hai..esp the last two msgs...so hard to decipher..wah lao..i already know that she also cares for me..that why i tell her i want to give up in order not to be influenced by her current relationship..i been repeating this to her so many times yet she doesnt want to accept it..sigh..so stubborn.. her 2 msgs also reveal alot of answers to me..hehe.. but i not going to msg her or do anything now.. i want to take a break!!!

those 2 msgs will be kept for reference..hehe.. at least i know how to handle this type of girl.. i been there done that before.. when all the problems come at the same time, how you face it tells it all..

i dont want to know what is her next move..i dont care anymore..she wants to initiate the moves..i let her..i very tired and sian already...

Low profile

Since now has all been settled, all in order or whatsoever, i been very tired since the ordeal..mentally and physically..

i wont do anything now..not even going to sms her, msn her or whatever..i wont give up but i want to take a break from all these nonsense..

Risky move

wahahaha..my fear is once again unfounded..did a very risky move in friendster..because she deleted me in her friendster list..and i try to add her again..which she didnt do anything to it for the last 4-5 days.. if she reject, that means she stumble me again..if she accept, that means all is forgiven..

but in the end she accept back..phew..

trust me, the game is now on...want me to wait, i wait now..

In a fix

im very tired of all the thinking and all the things..sigh..i really need a break from it..im mentally and physically tired.. guess i really have to confess to everyone who been following this.. i really dont have the heart to give up on her..i find it too hard to give up without a fight.. i just dont want in a way been influenced in the relationship, that why i tell her that i give up..i always hope that she is happy everyday with her new found love. i think i can see that she is indeed happy with her bf.

hai..but i screwed up everything ever since i confess to her.. i guess i really dont have the chance..i really donno..only she and God knows my chances. i have say sorry to her for what i have done, i msg her that i wanted to treat her to a meal for all the hurt, anguish and anger that i inflicted on her..but she haven replied.. i donno..i fearing for the worst that she is indeed intend to break the friendship..

1) take one step at a time?
2) wait?
3) give up?
4) all the above?

argh..im really going crazy and feel really sick about the way things turn out to be..somebody, pls help me!!!

Twist to an ending

hmm..there seem to be a twist in the ending..haha..in the first place is just an misunderstanding..then later she replied back to the msgs where i find it too harsh, too unfair and cant find any justice why she wants to break the friendship. Firstly, this is the first misunderstanding that we had, and before this, our friendship was good to say the least. we didnt quarrel to such an extent that our friendship was in doubt. i know that i was very stubborn in saying sorry to her, that why she was angry to me.

i know that she doesnt really meant what she say in the msg..and i already apologise to her...through this misunderstanding, i only get to know her better.. is just that we dont have the opportunity to get to know each other better, it wont happen in the first place. i know that she had vent her anger on me, but i still keep my cool..i didnt leave her in the lurch when we got this misunderstanding.. at this moment, i only treating her as a friend and as a sister in christ..nothing more..nothing less..

i offered to treat her to a meal as a result of this misunderstanding and also in a way inflicted hurt, anguish and anger in her. until now, she haven msg..but i take her silence as an agreement then..hehe..donno lah..wait for her reply lor..or else another misunderstanding again..

i find this is the only way to really keep your cool even when problems come all at the same time..no matter how angry you are, you cannot solve the solution just by thinking all for yourself and also have to consider the feelings to the other party.. i definitely learn alot of lesson..even if she got any problems and want to vent on me, i really dont mind at all, just to make her feel better.. i just making my position as a brother in christ clearer to her..i guess you people out there might be thinking about my limits..but as long as God is in control, there is no limit in me as long as i help my sister in christ to solve the problem in a more appropriate way.

Saviour in the Lord

oops..sorry..forgot to add something..from the first problem where i feel that she has feelings for me was wrong.. and as time goes on, i find that the msg is irrelevant..because this is what i did to her after confessing to her..and though i feel disheartened that i cant get her, i pray about it..and after praying, my feelings are more positive..right from the start, God had asked me to give up although i cant see the picture..now that i can see the picture, i feel so shocked to find out what He has install for me.. what a wonderful saviour i have!!!

God will always reserved the best for His children..this is one thing i will not forget..

Letting go

i want to say thank you God that i didnt regret the decision to give up on this girl. the way i know her has too many weakness of her..im not been judgemental..but that is what she told me..sigh..chio but character not good..and ask me not to go for her..yet i still fall in to it..the feelings for her is not that strong..more of like puppy love..hehe..the affliction is not there that all...if any one want to know her, dont ask me how she is..go and find out yourself..

this is what i find in her: a backslided christian.. run away from problem by breaking friendship..what she did only stumbled me in spiritual sense..the way she send the msg make me realise something..but i dont want to say..venting her anger at me and breaking up of friendship in the msg only make me compromise what i have done in the end..that is to apologise to her..damn it, i find it so hard to say in the first place and now what she did only make me relent and do it. small misunderstanding and escalate it to a big problem by the msgs in friendster by her... hai.. dont tell me anything.. i dont wish to know..she doesnt not deserve my care and concern as a friend or as a brother in christ anymore..i wash my hands off her..

this chapter has finally close, im getting on with life..im free now..hehe.. free from all the problems, free from everything that all..yesterday was indeed a good day to sleep with ease ever since i blog regarding about this incident..

thank you to all my friends that have know my situation..dont worry im fine now..thank you for your care and concern..i very appreciated it..hehe..

i will continue my search for the one that God has reserved for me.. this is indeed a bright side of life that i have seen.. dont be disheartened that you are single or cant find a gf or whatever the reason..just enjoy what you are now..once you are in a relationship, the responsibility and the burden is all there for you to see. once you lost your freedom, there wont be time for you to appreciate anymore. cherish what you have right now..hehe..

Letting out

sigh..cant sleep sia..hehe..hope that through writing out what i feel, i can feel much better and can sleep at ease..i dont want to think about it anymore. what she wants to do next has none of my concern anymore. i dont want to care anymore. i want to wash my hands off her.

through this incident, i feel that she is forcing me to change to her liking, that is what i read from her msgs that she send to me. i hate people who do that to me. only half of the contents are relevant. others are not related to the incident or irrelevant to it. the hurting truth is that she wants to break up the friendship with me, which she already did, but i find that this is not the way to solve the problem. yup, she is angry about it, but she is using that feeling to solve the problem. i dont do that when i face any problems..though at times i might be angry with it, i will always compose myself to solve the problem.

what i have done is apologise to her and have done my part as a brother in christ to her..i know that during the incident, i did not fulfill the position that is required from me. i fail. She have changed, but i accept it.

Humans are imprefect. Neither do I. I dont like to have any miscommunication or misunderstanding with my friends or close ones. If everyone is the same, will we have miscommunication or misunderstanding in the first place. "different in principles..." this is what she told me..and i will remember this...she is expecting too much of me..i been sticking to the problem and solutions all along but she seem to divert my attention on other topics such as my friendster profile.. Friendster is just a computer program that enable us to find our long lost friends, new friends, relatives, siblings and even schools that we attended.. what i write has nothing to do with it in the real life.. and what i have written is only a shallow part of me. has that got to do with the problem?

i know that every problems that i face is unique of its own. no matter how we going to face it, is different all the time. that why i always make sure that whatever problems that i have went through, i wont let history repeat again or let the problem comes again.

yup, i indeed let it all out..and i feel much better now..hehe..now can go and sleep with ease liao..good night everyone..sweet dreams..

Randomness (11)

hmm..she vent her anger on me..sigh..been reading through over and over again all the msgs that i have send and the msgs that she reply..the way her msgs is very hard to decipher..and i need 2-3 days before i could find out what she really meant...first time i read, i got questions keep on popping out of my mind..second time i read it, i have to go and think..sigh..why cant just say directly to the point..yet have to beat around the bush?

the way i see the argument, it pretty small..but we blow it out of proportion..last time we used to msg so freely but now there is a restriction..i know that misunderstandings and miscommunication are part and parcel in friendship..but we never quarrel that often in a way our friendship is in jeopardy..hai..still waiting for her to cool down..

Wrong frequency

What the hell is wrong with her?? argh..it seem that i cant get my point across to her.. i've given up but she seen to think that i still like her and still pursuring her..she msg back and thinking that i still like her..wah kao..

i dont want to say anymore..i dont want to do anything.. i just have to go on life with doubts lingering in my mind.. i dont want to probe the matter further to hurt the friendship to say the least and to hurt her..she has clarified with me and i will take it as a lesson learnt the hard way.. rest assured that i will think twice about msging her from now on..damn it..i accept her decisions fully yet she cant accept mine..i dont even want to think about the future now..i very very scared already.. i very scared that she might change me to what she wants me to be.. i hope not lor..or else what i say in my profile in friendster is no use..

i really donno what she is trying to do lor..hai..i very sian and also having alot of headaches..

can someone enlighten me once again? i want to look on the bright side of life..but i cant..i donno why..

it seem that the matter cant be rest..the misunderstandings cant be solved..hai..i can go mad already..what she say only created doubts in my mind..not the answer that i hope to find..hai..both of us opted for the truce..but the truce that i opted for seem to be rejected by her..what she say doesnt solve the problem..it created anger in me as well..

what a way to start a new yr like this..and also the dullest new yr i ever had..

sign off with a big SIGH!!!

Verdict

two girls shared the same verdict to me despite not knowing each other..lol..kind of surprise to hear the verdict even though i was thinking otherwise..hehe

the very last msg that she send to me was, "tell you wad, i dont wish to lose you as a friend because of this.. *friendly hug* misunderstandings are never ending..im sorry that ive misinterpret your words wrongly..i know you still care.. =)"

erm, given the fact that she has spilt personality that no one can know what her next move, does anyone have the same thinking as me for this msg..i donno..i dont want to think of it..

i know that she is expecting an apology from me. i wonder why guys have to do this even when they did nothing wrong. i know i have to do it sooner or later but i find it hard to do it.

her msn nick was, "i expect nothing but for you to be you"
i know that she was referring to me.

Giving up

from this incident, it only support my stand in giving up in her. not only the feelings is not strong, i also dont have the confidence in it whereas the first 3 i have..haha..hai..and also she was the first that i could give up easily on within a short time.

Heart to carry on?

24 hrs ago..i asked this qn, "what if you have done something half-way and feel that you dont have the confidence to carry on?"

does this simple qn able to escalate to a heaty argument? yes, i did it. and even as i writing it, im still fuming about it.

i ask the qn with no motives, no intention, not even saying the key word in it, just a simple minded qn will able to get into this.

after that qn, i hinted her about her on-going relationship but did not mention that key-word to her as the time isnt ripe to reveal.. after that she know what im referring to and say blabbing about her on-going relationship.

she say how her on-going relationship is going on right now, with no direct bearing to the qn and again i was like, "what has your relationship got to do with that qn?"

the next moment, she say that i sensitive, that i think that she will not able to take care of herself..and i was like, "why dont i take over your place and be the guy boy-friend? or msg her everyday how to make the relationship even better that i plan the steps for you?"

and she also say that i force her to accept my views..kao..i just asking for her opinion and didnt threaten her with a knife to accept what i have say..i didnt say anything except some general views which i didnt force her to accept.

she applied all sort of theories in it popping out from no where and then out of sudden, apologising about misunderstand me, misinterpret my actions..i find it hard to receive her assurance just like that and will also think twice about msg her again..

i preparing for all sorts of comments given by people who have read the post.i wont be surprised if those comments are supporting her..

Randomness (10)

life so boring that time flew so fast..man..i cant get enough rest from my work..today first day off and i spend the whole day rotting in bed and time flew so fast that the next day is the second off..and then work again..sigh..

update on the current situation: i took the opportunity to sms her everything when she sms me back. i told her 3 things regarding the incident.
1. Apologise to her about all the actions that i done.
2. Regarding a certain comment that i msg her in friendster. I explain it to her with sms..and i was like, "very difficult to sms in this type of circumstance, but i did it anyway.."
3. Give up. Does giving up also need a reason for it? I doubt so.

I feel that what i have done in the past has been really impulsive. It just wasnt me in the first place. Confessing to her and doing all sorts of things that hurt her isnt what i want, but yet i did it. Feelings do take a turn and indeed take over my rational thinking. I find it easier to let go this time is because I prayed to God about it. Besides, feelings wasnt that strong to build on that relationship. Guess my friend have say it correctly, she wants to be friends with me to build on a strong foundation. Besides, the enthusiasm for knowing her more in the first place has dwinded. Whatever doubts i have in mind, God have answer for me. As for now, i have nothing to say and i feel that this chapter has closed and settled.

Randomness (9)

over the last 2 days, i make a very serious thought that even when im working, i was not alert. i feel that this is not the right approach . i intend to give up, definitely. but all i need now is answers to all my burning questions. i dont want to ask her as she is busy with her life. i guess there might be only one answer to my current situation that is to give up. i donno about the future, perhaps there is no answer to the questions that i wanted to ask as it left "settled" for the time being. I prayed about this matter last night when i was working. And thanks God that He soften the blow for me. I definitely feel better towards the end but the misery is still there.

i really wish someone or whose wavelength is as the same as her to decipher what is she thinking when she say this to me:

-she say that she got split personality that no one will know what is she thinking. i mean who doesnt have split personality.

-she say that what i feel for her in liking me is wrong. i was like, "huh..i dont believe lor..pls lah..i got all the proofs and she indirectly telling me to give up on her.."
I still stand by what i have say to her, and even to the previous 3 targets. even if i been labelled as "oversensitive"

Since i already been stubborn..i will stubborn in even more to the stand that i have make. Till there is a satifactory answer, i will not let the matter rest.

Randomness (8)

hai..guess i shouldnt give up on her that easily yet.. and i fully deserved my punishment for all the actions that i done that in such a way i have make her angry and sad.. just wish to see her happy with whatever decisions that she had make and able to see her happy is what i hope to see right now.. now my mind has open up, i think that msg is irrevelant to me after all.. and have send her an sms.. hai..i wish to put an end to it and carry on with life.. wish her all the best now.. guess waiting for her is indeed a slow and torturing punishment for me..

Blog readers

hmm..think my current situation has created some publicity..haha.. erm..i donno why the people around me keep on asking me not to give up even though the history is against me.. i have been waiting for 3 girls before this and the average waiting time was 2 yrs.. that was why i got a phobia of waiting any longer. i know what i have done only extend the time. can you all pls tell me why this one is worth waiting for? doesnt seem to see people telling me that for the previous 3 girls.

i know who xuanie is..haha..eh..you got blog is it..then give me your add leh..haha.. anyway thanks for your advice..first time see people so long never contact, give me advice by tagging on the blog site..wahaha..still owe me something haven return hor.. how many years liao..if got interest, i donno how much liao..whahaha..

and also thanks to jimmy..hope your situation will improve too..i donno what to add on, but i know that we are in the same boat...

and also thanks to my buddies whom i will not name..without them i think they will not be able to help me to get what i want and didnt give up on me when i press the alarm unnecessary..perhaps im too desparate..sigh..

these few days, the dreams that i had is all about her, a very peaceful dream with her, and also didnt spotted these dreams in the other 3 girls as well..haha..so like to make comparsion.. is there an indication which i didnt notice earlier as in our friendship?

A Medium To Let Out

i feel that this is a good medium to let out..rather than people listening to you and in their minds, might be cursing you..and in a way you can speak out what you want without having fear of offending them..hehe.. as in changing their names to a fictional ones or some nicknames to go along..hahaha..and of course you will not get to hear all the bad stuff...

my moods can really change to the extreme from one moment to another.. but i have to thank my team for giving me a pat on the shoulder and carry on with life and the work that i have to face everyday.. Im currently working as a base guard in Police k-9 Dog unit..working 2 days off 2 days..and without my team support, i dont think i able to survive this far.. by blogging it out as well is also a good way to take it all out and feel refresh afterwards... at least much better..

im still waiting for the msg to send over despite her hectic schedule..hmm..i have to confess i forgotten what i have send to her and that why i ask her to send..till now still no msg...i dont mind the late reply..but pls send it back to me what i have send to you..even if i do get the reply, i donno what to do as well..donno what my next step will be..

i have been trying to take one step at a time but in vain..the steps in front are all invisible to me.. whether to let it all go or strengthen the friendship..but i find it hard to strengthen the friendship because of what i done in the past..sigh... and her timing is just too perfectly for me to wait here like a moron...if i let it all go, will it be gone forever? or will it come back? questions and more questions..hai..only that msg can answer all my questions..that msg is the key to unlock and able to know what my next path will be...

despite all these..i donno where our friendship stands now..from an acquiantance to giving advice as a friend to having feelings for her, my memory still lingers in my mind the moment i think of the past..but what i have done as a friend, to her, she could have never heed the advices that i gave her and ignore my efforts in doing it...well..i have been there done that before..and got used to it to such as an extent..im immune to it..

how i wish she could just send that msg to end my misery!!!

Love does not need a reason

Love does not need a reason, right? but somehow, i have to give a reason which i find it hard to give. Anyway, i feel that Jay Chou's An Jing is the song that my situation is currently facing. To be truly loved, you have to give it up and i intend to do that. Dont get me wrong, im not trying to get some sympathy, for goodness sake. Due to personal reasons, i will not reveal.

Currently listening mp3: An Jing (Jay Chou)

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Advantages of being single

hai, donno what to write..feel that the current problems have taken a toil on me as in mentally..never knew that matters of the heart could be so tiring than the problems that i faced in my squad or classmates in ITE..i think that been single is still the best option for me..more advantages than in a relationship..go out no need to inform..can go out alone or with friends and still have great fun.. im not saying that im going to stay single for the rest of my life..but as i say earlier, i will wait for the one to come, the one that God provides for me. As far as my religion is concerned, i will only heed that direction where God has say in the bible in terms of relationship.. but for friends, any religion is ok with me..hehe..

2 Corinthians 6:14 - Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always preseveres. Love never fails.

From these two verses, the proof is there and i no need to explain any further.

Maybe i should start everyday with a verse to remind myself that i facing a war on the spiritual side. Though im down, but im definitely not out without a fight. We are facing battles everyday, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, and the best of all, politics..

Shot in the foot

hai..new year got off with a bad start literally..i confess my feelings to her and well, good news is that she is asking me to wait for her..but somehow my actions got the better of me and shoot myself in the foot..just one week to destroy everything..hai..im so stupid, useless and crazy..hai.. now at this moment, i let the feelings died down before anything drastic happen again.. i dont think gals will like to see a guy acting so foolishly given when his feelings are taking over... sigh.. donno what to do next..either build what i have destroyed or go on with the next one...argh!!

Reflections for 2004

today is my off day so did some thinking to myself over the last yr and the coming new yr.. well last yr was kind of mixture of good and bad together but in the end, all well ends well in the new yr to come..

2004... the yr begins when im still in that ite with pathetic classmates..politics are always top of their agenda.. kind of hard to unite when old problems fail to resolve or some people just plain stubborn..refusing to accept apologises..come on, are you a 3 yr old kid? whatever, i just dont care about it..and went on as life goes.. anyway, was graduated in this 2 yrs of happines, sorrow, meeting new friends and ending another..and getting on to the new phrase of life...in NS!! i feel that is during the last term of my 2 yrs there is enjoyable..though i was outcast by my own classmates..i have meet new ones to be with me by my side all this long.. thank you guys and gals out there..

jul 27..enlistment to police!! train us to be full pledged policeman for 5 months..guess that i wasnt mentally prepared for God giving me these group of people..different in culture and lifestyle...same as my ite lifestyle..politics rules as well..wont be surprise if i enter in the working world after i ORD..and got this type of treatment..in this phrase of life was much harder to pass by as i was the only christian in the squad and really need someone to give me the joy to make the day abit colourful to me though it was black and white most of the time...passed the 5 months training and was posted to k-9 unit.. and i really have to thanks my bunk mates be with me..and having those endless fun in the bunk...what my squad mates given me in the end is well, toughen me up mentally that all..

dec 13...posted to k-9..where i wanted to be a dog handler..take a dog during work time to combat crime..but alas, it was not to be..have to do base guard for about 2 months before we can take a dog..and also have to wait till the other intake comes in... well..the yr ends on a high note as i been posted to where i want..and not facing my squadmates again...

new yr..begin with a quiet note..but i did the most unthinkable thing...that is to confess to her my feelings.. well..i leave a cliff hanger to let you think for yourself how the story unfolds...hehe.. i was expecting the same answer as she reject other people but somehow i got an unexpected answer...which is WAIT!!!

4 months of knowing her was, to me, a short time..but i knew her more than what i expected.. but somehow, i show her too much of care and concern as a friend and as a brother in christ that feelings take a turn.. i donno how she feel for me..hopefully as time reveal the path for me to walk in the future..i hope that path will able to meet her's as well...and also God to lead the way for me...

Happy New Year 2005

Happy New Yr!! sorry for the late blog as i was sick..

is been two weeks since i blog..wow..but these two weeks been rather quiet..not much of gossips or news to say.. been doing guard duty (work 2 days off 2 days)..hope that after 2 months..able to get a dog to train and to be a dog handler..

hai..donno what to say leh..last time so much..now so little..abit weird leh..how ah..anyone can help me think..haha..